The Free Thinker
“I’m not a Republican. I’m not a Democrat. I’m not conservative. I’m not liberal. I’m something purer and better than all of those things. I do my own research. I hate both sides equally. I don’t fall for those mainstream media lies like all you other sheeple. I’m a fearless, enlightened, independent free thinker who coincidentally has voted for Donald Trump three times.
The difference between wise philosopher kings like me and the rest of you common fools is that I don’t get news spoon-fed to me by the biased corporate media. CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, the New York Times - they just tell you whatever crap the elites want you to believe. As an independent free thinker, I get all my news from totally unbiased, nonpartisan sources, like podcasts and videos served to me by an algorithm that’s determined my political preferences.
For example, have you heard of Joe Rogan? He used to host Fear Factor, and I trust him more than any journalist who’s ever lived. The great thing about Joe Rogan is that he’s a free thinker, just like me. He gets people on his show from all over the political spectrum to just share their ideas. Sometimes you’re getting a conservative perspective from a guest like Tucker Carlson, but then in the next episode he’ll balance things out by talking to somebody from across the aisle, like JD Vance. When you listen to Rogan, you might get exposed to conservative ideas - like if you’re listening to one of the four episodes where he talked to Ben Shapiro - or on the flip side you might get exposed to conservative ideas, like in any of the nine different episodes where he interviewed Jordan Peterson. He also interviewed Bernie Sanders one time six years ago - so you can see why I am very clever to consider him an unbiased, politically neutral source.
Another trustworthy, nonpartisan outlet I rely on for information is those PragerU videos, many of which I’ve shared on my Facebook page. As a free thinker, I appreciate how they talk about the issues in a completely factual, apolitical way - unlike the corporate media, which only tells you what the elites want you to hear. PragerU is run by a lifelong conservative activist and financed by several extremely conservative billionaires, which is why I can trust that the information they give me is 100% unbiased. Watching their videos is how I independently, freethinkingly came to the conclusion that we should get rid of the minimum wage and abolish the capital gains tax.
So while all the rest of you are running around like chickens with your heads cut off, freaking out because Elon Musk is “allegedly” destroying systems and infrastructure that make modern civilization possible, just know that I’m sitting here laughing at y’all. Because unlike you, I know the truth: None of this matters, none of it is real, none of it has any real world consequences or affects anybody’s life. Both sides of the aisle are serving the same masters. I’m too smart to get mixed up in all these petty left vs right squabbles, even though I consistently parrot right-wing talking points on gun control, vaccines, trans rights, climate change, social justice, foreign policy, and government spending.
And even if something bad does happen because of the political movement that I’ve supported for the past ten years, this smug, straight talking, nihilistic attitude means I’ll never have to be self-critical about it. After all, I don’t agree with everything Trump does, even though I’ve voted for him every time I’ve had the chance. My political beliefs are unique and mysterious and don’t align with either party’s agenda, even though they completely align with the Republican Party’s agenda. But the fact that I say they don’t means I will bear none of the moral weight for any of the acts committed by the politicians I voted into power.
Besides, I’m really not even all that political. As I may have mentioned, I’m a free thinker.”