Hot Bathroom Action
This post was first made on August 29th, 2007, on Facebook.
So in one week not only do we lose Alberto Gonzales, but we also find out that Republican Senator Larry Craig of Idaho was arrested for disorderly conduct in an airport bathroom. Now, of course I'm happy that Alberto Gonzales has left office (his flaming pants were doing some damage to his chair - him being a liar, and all), but the arrest of any political figure always brings more joy to my life for the following reasons: 1) The arrest is always for some vaguely worded but thought provoking offense ("Poultry misconduct in the first degree... Hmmm...") and 2) The politician arrested is always, always, always an outspoken critic of something closely tied to the charge ("Representative Speer is a member of the House Subcommittee on Poultry Morality"). The same holds true for Larry Craig, but what bothers me is that this whole scandal is just so lame.
Due to complaints of sexual activity in the bathrooms, the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport has begun an investigation into exactly what kind of business travelers are taking care of in the restrooms. Now, before we go any further, let me just say that I think this is exactly what airports today need. What better way to spend the time between flights than with a few anonymous sexual encounters? I mean, if not for the airport bathrooms you'd have to go find a highway rest stop to do that sort of thing at, and honestly, who has that kind of time? Regardless, part of the Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport's investigation included sending a plainclothes officer into the bathroom to sit in the stall and wait for something to happen.
So that's exactly what some intrepid law enforcer did - he walked into the men's room, got a stall, and was paid to pretend to go to the bathroom. I see this thing as sort of like fishing: you cast your line (sit down in a stall) and hope you get a bite (traveler in search of homosexual encounter). It took this officer - by his own account - a mere 13 minutes to get a bite, who just happened to be the Republican senator from Idaho. You know when you're fishing in a lake frequented by gay fish, and then the fish you catch is a Republican senator with a strong stance against gay rights? It was probably a lot like that.
Up until now this is all sounding pretty juicy, but get ready for disappointment. Did Senator Craig begin loudly praising the virtues of gay porn? Did he clamber over the stall wall wearing a negligee? No. No, ladies and gentlemen, he started tapping his foot. A direct quote from the officer:
"At 1216 hours, Craig tapped his right foot. I recognized this as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct. Craig tapped his toes several times and moved his foot closer to my foot."
So there it is. That's what we're arresting on. Foot tapping. I hate to defend a senator, but for all we know he could've been listening to some Beyonce on his iPod, and come on. If that doesn't get your toes a-tappin, you're probably dead. Of course, Senator Craig doesn't have a spotless record when it comes to sexual orientation - his alleged homosexuality has been a subject of heated debate among members of Idaho's bustling social scene since the early 1980s. Recently, a gay man alleged that he and Senator Craig engaged in some hanky panky in a bathroom at Union Station, which would indicate that the senator seems to prefer transit hub bathrooms for this sort of thing. Craig responded by saying, "I am not gay and I have never been in a restroom in Union Station having sex with anybody." Which is fine as a denial, I guess, but I doubt people would really give him too much grief for having sex with a woman in a train station bathroom. In today's murky moral climate full of self loathing, closet homosexual politicians, I think we'd all be relieved to see a senator violating the vows of his marriage and his party's 'family values' with an adult woman for a change.
Craig had a ready explanation for his actions in the bathroom stall in Minnesota. He said that he had "a wide stance when going to the bathroom", and implied that if his foot touched the officer's, it had been an accident. Now, despite what I've said earlier, I think that Senator Craig is guilty, and his alibi is why. This man is so desperate to cover up his true intentions that he just enlightened the entire country as to how he takes a dump. This isn't the first time such a thing has happened - who can forget President Nixon's famous quote, "What tapes? I wasn't there, the 'ol chili express was leaving the station at the time, if you know what I mean."
The other reason that I think Senator Craig is guilty is because he plead guilty. Craig issued a guilty plea in Hennepin County, Minnesota court, because he'd hoped that it would "handle the matter quickly". I guess he didn't remember that the downside to pleading guilty is that it constitutes you personally saying that you're guilty, in this case of trying to get a man to have sex with you when you're an anti gay senator fighting accusations of homosexuality.
Long story short, I'm glad that I heard about this, because now I know that listening to Beyonce in the bathroom could land me in a whole heap of... Well, if not trouble, then certainly something else nasty.
Oh, Spuddy Buddy... We've failed you.
So in one week not only do we lose Alberto Gonzales, but we also find out that Republican Senator Larry Craig of Idaho was arrested for disorderly conduct in an airport bathroom. Now, of course I'm happy that Alberto Gonzales has left office (his flaming pants were doing some damage to his chair - him being a liar, and all), but the arrest of any political figure always brings more joy to my life for the following reasons: 1) The arrest is always for some vaguely worded but thought provoking offense ("Poultry misconduct in the first degree... Hmmm...") and 2) The politician arrested is always, always, always an outspoken critic of something closely tied to the charge ("Representative Speer is a member of the House Subcommittee on Poultry Morality"). The same holds true for Larry Craig, but what bothers me is that this whole scandal is just so lame.
Due to complaints of sexual activity in the bathrooms, the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport has begun an investigation into exactly what kind of business travelers are taking care of in the restrooms. Now, before we go any further, let me just say that I think this is exactly what airports today need. What better way to spend the time between flights than with a few anonymous sexual encounters? I mean, if not for the airport bathrooms you'd have to go find a highway rest stop to do that sort of thing at, and honestly, who has that kind of time? Regardless, part of the Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport's investigation included sending a plainclothes officer into the bathroom to sit in the stall and wait for something to happen.
So that's exactly what some intrepid law enforcer did - he walked into the men's room, got a stall, and was paid to pretend to go to the bathroom. I see this thing as sort of like fishing: you cast your line (sit down in a stall) and hope you get a bite (traveler in search of homosexual encounter). It took this officer - by his own account - a mere 13 minutes to get a bite, who just happened to be the Republican senator from Idaho. You know when you're fishing in a lake frequented by gay fish, and then the fish you catch is a Republican senator with a strong stance against gay rights? It was probably a lot like that.
Up until now this is all sounding pretty juicy, but get ready for disappointment. Did Senator Craig begin loudly praising the virtues of gay porn? Did he clamber over the stall wall wearing a negligee? No. No, ladies and gentlemen, he started tapping his foot. A direct quote from the officer:
"At 1216 hours, Craig tapped his right foot. I recognized this as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct. Craig tapped his toes several times and moved his foot closer to my foot."
So there it is. That's what we're arresting on. Foot tapping. I hate to defend a senator, but for all we know he could've been listening to some Beyonce on his iPod, and come on. If that doesn't get your toes a-tappin, you're probably dead. Of course, Senator Craig doesn't have a spotless record when it comes to sexual orientation - his alleged homosexuality has been a subject of heated debate among members of Idaho's bustling social scene since the early 1980s. Recently, a gay man alleged that he and Senator Craig engaged in some hanky panky in a bathroom at Union Station, which would indicate that the senator seems to prefer transit hub bathrooms for this sort of thing. Craig responded by saying, "I am not gay and I have never been in a restroom in Union Station having sex with anybody." Which is fine as a denial, I guess, but I doubt people would really give him too much grief for having sex with a woman in a train station bathroom. In today's murky moral climate full of self loathing, closet homosexual politicians, I think we'd all be relieved to see a senator violating the vows of his marriage and his party's 'family values' with an adult woman for a change.
Craig had a ready explanation for his actions in the bathroom stall in Minnesota. He said that he had "a wide stance when going to the bathroom", and implied that if his foot touched the officer's, it had been an accident. Now, despite what I've said earlier, I think that Senator Craig is guilty, and his alibi is why. This man is so desperate to cover up his true intentions that he just enlightened the entire country as to how he takes a dump. This isn't the first time such a thing has happened - who can forget President Nixon's famous quote, "What tapes? I wasn't there, the 'ol chili express was leaving the station at the time, if you know what I mean."
The other reason that I think Senator Craig is guilty is because he plead guilty. Craig issued a guilty plea in Hennepin County, Minnesota court, because he'd hoped that it would "handle the matter quickly". I guess he didn't remember that the downside to pleading guilty is that it constitutes you personally saying that you're guilty, in this case of trying to get a man to have sex with you when you're an anti gay senator fighting accusations of homosexuality.
Long story short, I'm glad that I heard about this, because now I know that listening to Beyonce in the bathroom could land me in a whole heap of... Well, if not trouble, then certainly something else nasty.