Four Observations (Examples Included!)
This post was first made on October 7th, 2007.
1. People Just Can't Believe That I'm Lactose Intolerant
In case you didn't already know, then I'm coming out of the closet: due to an increasingly common birth defect, my body is unable to process milk. I consider myself lucky, because some lactose intolerant people can't have cheese or ice cream, but in my case milk is the only thing that really gives me trouble. Do you find this boring? Lord knows I do. The hundreds of millions of other lactose intolerant people in the world are probably just as uninterested in their condition as I am. Yet for some reason, I have had countless conversations like this:
Person A: Hey, Truman, you want some milk?
Me: No thanks, I'm lactose intolerant.
(Person A's mouth falls open and his/her eyes widen, filled with a look of the utmost shock and disbelief, as though I have just admitted that I'm Jesus Christ in disguise and this is the Second Coming)
Person A: R-really?
Me: ...No, actually. I was lying. I can't help it - I envy those lactose intolerant bastards and I'd give anything to be one. You know, if you get the runs when you drink milk, you can have any woman you want!
2. Being Wet And Cold Sucks
...or, at least, that's one man's opinion. I'm sort of an expert on what it's like to be wet and cold, seeing as I live in Oregon and all. Why, just tonight on the way back from the library I was caught in the rain without a hood, and as I hurried back to my dorm I thought to myself, "Wow, I really don't enjoy this. This just isn't my thing." You know how it feels when the rain soaks all the way through your parka and it starts to stick to your skin, and then you're sweating under your parka and it gets all hot and humid in the space between your arms and the coat, but your face is all cold and your hair is all wet and sticking to your head? Do you enjoy that? No?
Well, you should, because you're an Oregonian (I seriously doubt that I have any out of state readers). At least, this is what people tell me. When I show up to marching band rehearsal wearing my rain hat or when I duck into a nearby building during an impromptu rainstorm, people around me always get offended and say, "What the hell are you doing? You're an Oregonian! I love the rain!" I guess because it rains so much here, I'm supposed to enjoy being wet. I apply similar logic in the following example:
Southern Californian: omg cali 4-evah!!!1
(Gang Member shoots Southern Californian)
Southern Californian: argh wat r u doin!?!??!
Gang Member: Oh, come on, you're from Southern California! I love gang wars!
3. I Don't Like Tea And I Never, Ever, Ever Will
"Hey Truman, you want some tea?"
"No, thanks, I don't really like tea."
"What!? I love tea. Tea is the best thing in the world! I'm saving up for an experimental procedure in which my blood will be replaed with tea!"
"I don't know, I guess I just really don't like the taste."
"Oh, then you just aren't drinking the right kind of tea! Here, try this this Lotos Sunblossom Julip tea! It's the best!"
(I take a sip)
"Yeah, it pretty much tastes like hot water with some leaves dropped in it."
"Well, sometimes it helps to add a little cream. Here!"
"No, actually, I'm lactose intolerant."
"R-really!?"
My parents drink tea. My friends drink tea. Barack Obama probably drinks tea, and I'll bet you anything he looks damn charismatic doing it. I, however, do not drink tea. As you can see from the above conversation (which I have had a lot), people aren't so accepting of my opinion on the matter.
I'm not saying that tea is bad. I'm saying that when I drink it, I 'taste' something weak and unappealing that is either too hot or cold and unrefreshing. I don't care what kind of new age bling-ass tea you drink, I guarantee you that I won't like it. If it's tea, I won't like it. Again, if it's tea, I won't like it, because it is tea, and I don't like tea. Maybe my inability to process lactose has also impaired my ability to taste tea. For all I know, tea could taste like Lucy Liu looks. In fact, if it did, I'd probably shower in the stuff. But until stem cell research allows us to replace whatever defective body part is keeping me from appreciating the glory that everyone around me seems to be taking part in, just keep this in mind:
T is for Truman
Tea is also Truman's least favorite beverage
4. DS Is An Asshole
An Actual Conversation, circa January 2007
Stephanie: Hey, DS, did you know that Mr. Howard wanted us all to dress up for this All City rehearsal?
DS: Yeah, I knew.
(DS is wearing cargo shorts, flip flops, and whatever kind of stupid t-shirt an asshole like DS would wear)
Snively: So why didn't you?
DS: Eh. I didn't really care.
Truman: Yeah, but your band director - who controls your grade - told you to do it. It's in your best interest to keep him happy.
DS: I don't really do dress up stuff.
Truman: ...but... He's going to give you a bad-
DS: GOD! This is why I hang out with South people!
(DS storms off)
I'm Larry Craig, and I approve this blog. Also: still not gay.
1. People Just Can't Believe That I'm Lactose Intolerant
In case you didn't already know, then I'm coming out of the closet: due to an increasingly common birth defect, my body is unable to process milk. I consider myself lucky, because some lactose intolerant people can't have cheese or ice cream, but in my case milk is the only thing that really gives me trouble. Do you find this boring? Lord knows I do. The hundreds of millions of other lactose intolerant people in the world are probably just as uninterested in their condition as I am. Yet for some reason, I have had countless conversations like this:
Person A: Hey, Truman, you want some milk?
Me: No thanks, I'm lactose intolerant.
(Person A's mouth falls open and his/her eyes widen, filled with a look of the utmost shock and disbelief, as though I have just admitted that I'm Jesus Christ in disguise and this is the Second Coming)
Person A: R-really?
Me: ...No, actually. I was lying. I can't help it - I envy those lactose intolerant bastards and I'd give anything to be one. You know, if you get the runs when you drink milk, you can have any woman you want!
2. Being Wet And Cold Sucks
...or, at least, that's one man's opinion. I'm sort of an expert on what it's like to be wet and cold, seeing as I live in Oregon and all. Why, just tonight on the way back from the library I was caught in the rain without a hood, and as I hurried back to my dorm I thought to myself, "Wow, I really don't enjoy this. This just isn't my thing." You know how it feels when the rain soaks all the way through your parka and it starts to stick to your skin, and then you're sweating under your parka and it gets all hot and humid in the space between your arms and the coat, but your face is all cold and your hair is all wet and sticking to your head? Do you enjoy that? No?
Well, you should, because you're an Oregonian (I seriously doubt that I have any out of state readers). At least, this is what people tell me. When I show up to marching band rehearsal wearing my rain hat or when I duck into a nearby building during an impromptu rainstorm, people around me always get offended and say, "What the hell are you doing? You're an Oregonian! I love the rain!" I guess because it rains so much here, I'm supposed to enjoy being wet. I apply similar logic in the following example:
Southern Californian: omg cali 4-evah!!!1
(Gang Member shoots Southern Californian)
Southern Californian: argh wat r u doin!?!??!
Gang Member: Oh, come on, you're from Southern California! I love gang wars!
3. I Don't Like Tea And I Never, Ever, Ever Will
"Hey Truman, you want some tea?"
"No, thanks, I don't really like tea."
"What!? I love tea. Tea is the best thing in the world! I'm saving up for an experimental procedure in which my blood will be replaed with tea!"
"I don't know, I guess I just really don't like the taste."
"Oh, then you just aren't drinking the right kind of tea! Here, try this this Lotos Sunblossom Julip tea! It's the best!"
(I take a sip)
"Yeah, it pretty much tastes like hot water with some leaves dropped in it."
"Well, sometimes it helps to add a little cream. Here!"
"No, actually, I'm lactose intolerant."
"R-really!?"
My parents drink tea. My friends drink tea. Barack Obama probably drinks tea, and I'll bet you anything he looks damn charismatic doing it. I, however, do not drink tea. As you can see from the above conversation (which I have had a lot), people aren't so accepting of my opinion on the matter.
I'm not saying that tea is bad. I'm saying that when I drink it, I 'taste' something weak and unappealing that is either too hot or cold and unrefreshing. I don't care what kind of new age bling-ass tea you drink, I guarantee you that I won't like it. If it's tea, I won't like it. Again, if it's tea, I won't like it, because it is tea, and I don't like tea. Maybe my inability to process lactose has also impaired my ability to taste tea. For all I know, tea could taste like Lucy Liu looks. In fact, if it did, I'd probably shower in the stuff. But until stem cell research allows us to replace whatever defective body part is keeping me from appreciating the glory that everyone around me seems to be taking part in, just keep this in mind:
T is for Truman
Tea is also Truman's least favorite beverage
4. DS Is An Asshole
An Actual Conversation, circa January 2007
Stephanie: Hey, DS, did you know that Mr. Howard wanted us all to dress up for this All City rehearsal?
DS: Yeah, I knew.
(DS is wearing cargo shorts, flip flops, and whatever kind of stupid t-shirt an asshole like DS would wear)
Snively: So why didn't you?
DS: Eh. I didn't really care.
Truman: Yeah, but your band director - who controls your grade - told you to do it. It's in your best interest to keep him happy.
DS: I don't really do dress up stuff.
Truman: ...but... He's going to give you a bad-
DS: GOD! This is why I hang out with South people!
(DS storms off)