Toys for Tots
This post was first made on November 14th, 2007, on Facebook.
According to my grandpa, back when he was growing up this was the only only thing in the Toys R Us catalog.
According to my grandpa, back when he was growing up this was the only only thing in the Toys R Us catalog.It's two weeks until Thanksgiving, and you know what that means: the Christmas toy ads have really started to ramp up. Every year I'm shocked at the crap that they try to sell to kids - not just the kind of crap, but the sheer volume! Toys R Us puts out a dictionary sized catalog* every year at this time, packed cover to cover with with things that parents will no doubt beat one another up for on Black Friday. The most amazing things I'm seeing advertised, though, are the things for the absolute youngest demographic.
*Have you seen the commercial for this year's Toys R Us "gift book"? Mom and her little girl are sitting together in bed with the book, and Mom says, "I think it's about time for bed", and then the girl says, "Raise your hand if you think we should pick out a few more toys!" and the camera pans around her room and we see that she's raised all the hands on her 40,000 stuffed animals, and then Mom laughs and they pick out more toys. Yeah, okay, I'm just putting this out there: if my kid ever tries something like that on me, no dice. I will take every last stuffed animal out of out of her room and replace them with presidential commemorative plates, and on Christmas morning every gift will be Battleship!, the granddaddy of all mediocre gifts. Are you reading this, future children? I am so freaking serious. I hate that commercial.
Babies are apparently geniuses now (and no, I'm not making reference to the movie Baby Geniuses or its landmark sequel, Baby Geniuses 2), because their toys are officially more complicated than than a game of Risk. During The Office they air a lot of commercials for family cars and affordable middle class jewelry, but the commercials that stand out the most are the ones for infant toys and accessories. Have you ever noticed that the ads for baby toys are written like they're directed at babies, despite the fact that the parents are the ones who are watching the ads, understanding them, and (most important, now) paying for the products? Observe:
[Authoritative man's voice speaks while a huge black SUV drives around]
"The Cadillac Escalade XTI-2000: It's so big that other cars are literally crushed by it, which means it's the safest choice for your family! Ride in style in a fully climate controlled interior with leather seats, four DVD players, a latte bar, hot tub, Chuck Mangione, and the entire state of Michigan. Crank up the stereo and you can't even hear those stupid liberals complaining that it only gets .3 miles to the gallon. Cadillac: Fuck the environment, yo!"
[Fade to black. Then we see bright colors and hear happy marimba music as a toddler gleefully runs around with bears. A woman with a creepily happy voice narrates]
"There once was a baby who knew what was best,
The Happy Bear Forest Play Adventure Quest(tm)!
With super cute bears the baby will play,
And have lots of fun, all super-cute day!
Good mommies and daddies who stand out from the rest,
All buy the Happy Bear Forest Play Adventure Quest(tm)!"
The ads for baby toys are written and edited like some sort horrible marriage of nursery rhyme and infomercial ("Old Mother Hubbard took a sip of her Coke/'Thank God it's not Pepsi - that shit makes me choke!") that I suppose is meant to set off the 'Awwwww' factor in mothers so strongly that it overpowers the father's "What the hell does my kid need with bears!?" factor.
But seriously, folks, take a look at the stuff that they're selling. Light up indicator panels for infants' cribs that make noises when they kick them and trains that sing and drive around on their own - why? Out of everyone, everywhere, babies are without a doubt the easiest to entertain. You know why babies love peek-a-boo so much? It's because they don't know where you are when your hands are in front of your face! Why spend hundreds of dollars on high tech crap when you can magically disappear and reappear by hiding your face?
Maybe all of you are fabulously wealthy and had all kinds of high tech late 1980s toys, like an interactive Dan Quayle doll that teaches spelling, but my toys were simple and fun. There was this seat that I had that hung from elastic straps in a doorjamb, and pretty much all I'd do was sit in it and bounce up and down for hours. I loved that thing! It didn't light up or make noises, it just bounced me around a lot, and sometimes the dog would run underneath me and spin me around. That was all I needed - screw light up talking choo-choo trains, to hell with Kodiak bears, all I needed was a bouncy chair and an excitable bull terrier and I was set for days. The resulting brain rattling is probably responsible for the nature of my blog.
Truman Capps is wondering whether he should have left that Dan Quayle joke in, because the only one of his readers who will get it is his dad.
*Have you seen the commercial for this year's Toys R Us "gift book"? Mom and her little girl are sitting together in bed with the book, and Mom says, "I think it's about time for bed", and then the girl says, "Raise your hand if you think we should pick out a few more toys!" and the camera pans around her room and we see that she's raised all the hands on her 40,000 stuffed animals, and then Mom laughs and they pick out more toys. Yeah, okay, I'm just putting this out there: if my kid ever tries something like that on me, no dice. I will take every last stuffed animal out of out of her room and replace them with presidential commemorative plates, and on Christmas morning every gift will be Battleship!, the granddaddy of all mediocre gifts. Are you reading this, future children? I am so freaking serious. I hate that commercial.
Babies are apparently geniuses now (and no, I'm not making reference to the movie Baby Geniuses or its landmark sequel, Baby Geniuses 2), because their toys are officially more complicated than than a game of Risk. During The Office they air a lot of commercials for family cars and affordable middle class jewelry, but the commercials that stand out the most are the ones for infant toys and accessories. Have you ever noticed that the ads for baby toys are written like they're directed at babies, despite the fact that the parents are the ones who are watching the ads, understanding them, and (most important, now) paying for the products? Observe:
[Authoritative man's voice speaks while a huge black SUV drives around]
"The Cadillac Escalade XTI-2000: It's so big that other cars are literally crushed by it, which means it's the safest choice for your family! Ride in style in a fully climate controlled interior with leather seats, four DVD players, a latte bar, hot tub, Chuck Mangione, and the entire state of Michigan. Crank up the stereo and you can't even hear those stupid liberals complaining that it only gets .3 miles to the gallon. Cadillac: Fuck the environment, yo!"
[Fade to black. Then we see bright colors and hear happy marimba music as a toddler gleefully runs around with bears. A woman with a creepily happy voice narrates]
"There once was a baby who knew what was best,
The Happy Bear Forest Play Adventure Quest(tm)!
With super cute bears the baby will play,
And have lots of fun, all super-cute day!
Good mommies and daddies who stand out from the rest,
All buy the Happy Bear Forest Play Adventure Quest(tm)!"
The ads for baby toys are written and edited like some sort horrible marriage of nursery rhyme and infomercial ("Old Mother Hubbard took a sip of her Coke/'Thank God it's not Pepsi - that shit makes me choke!") that I suppose is meant to set off the 'Awwwww' factor in mothers so strongly that it overpowers the father's "What the hell does my kid need with bears!?" factor.
But seriously, folks, take a look at the stuff that they're selling. Light up indicator panels for infants' cribs that make noises when they kick them and trains that sing and drive around on their own - why? Out of everyone, everywhere, babies are without a doubt the easiest to entertain. You know why babies love peek-a-boo so much? It's because they don't know where you are when your hands are in front of your face! Why spend hundreds of dollars on high tech crap when you can magically disappear and reappear by hiding your face?
Maybe all of you are fabulously wealthy and had all kinds of high tech late 1980s toys, like an interactive Dan Quayle doll that teaches spelling, but my toys were simple and fun. There was this seat that I had that hung from elastic straps in a doorjamb, and pretty much all I'd do was sit in it and bounce up and down for hours. I loved that thing! It didn't light up or make noises, it just bounced me around a lot, and sometimes the dog would run underneath me and spin me around. That was all I needed - screw light up talking choo-choo trains, to hell with Kodiak bears, all I needed was a bouncy chair and an excitable bull terrier and I was set for days. The resulting brain rattling is probably responsible for the nature of my blog.
Truman Capps is wondering whether he should have left that Dan Quayle joke in, because the only one of his readers who will get it is his dad.