I Know, I Know, I'm Late, Shut Up — Thinking Comes Later

Hi there, I'm Internet celebrity Truman Capps, and I've let you down.

"Ohh, Truman" - and I'm doing an impression of my Dad here - "If you're really serious about writing, you should be updating your blog twice a week." Well, yeah, that's all fine and dandy until you go to a late night college party and are unable to excuse yourself to write a funny, poignant update about something. Yes, I didn't update tonight because I was the designated driver at a raucous, booze soaked party - I'm a horrible, neglectful blogger and you should never forgive me for it. Sure, I started to write an entry this afternoon, but then my friends wanted me to come over and hit the video games before a big social event this evening, so I did that, and then there was the social event, and then the after party, and now it's practically three AM and I'm already behind schedule with writer's block and a mildly amusing, half finished update about the health center. To make up for this, I'm going to post for you a piece that I wrote for the Oregon Marching Band's newsletter for our trip to El Paso. If you're in the OMB then you've already read this, and if you've got a problem with it then we can settle it via knife fight. For the rest of my readers, though, this should be a pleasant trip down football season memory lane, from a time before I was jaded by my hatred of El Paso. Don't worry, folks, I'll never go to a party again. Enjoy!

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LOOKING ON THE BRIGHT SIDE
A Bowl Game Rundown By Truman Capps

Let’s just face the facts: we all wish we were going to the BCS Championship or the Rose Bowl instead of The Sun Bowl, which is sponsored by the kind of deodorant that doesn’t “turn a nice girl naughty”. But I don’t think any of us realize how lucky we are – there are a lot of bowl games out there, 27 to be precise, and a disturbing number of them really, really suck. So that you can be thankful for our trip to El Paso, I’ve taken the liberty of ranking the top five worst college bowl games. Count your blessings.

#5: International Bowl – Toronto, Canada (Payout: $750,000)

Have you ever been enjoying a mild Oregon winter and suddenly said, “Hey! I want to go to central Canada in late December!” Yeah, me neither. This is the International Bowl’s inaugural year, and it’s the first post-season college bowl game played outside of the United States in nearly 70 years. This year’s game, which pitted one unknown football team who nobody cares about against another unknown football team who nobody cares about, was played in front of an audience estimated by fans at 25,000. This, in case you were wondering, is why we don’t play college football outside of the United States: Americans are the only people who care about football!

#4: Humanitarian Bowl – Boise, Idaho (Payout: $750,000)

The Humanitarian Bowl is the longest running cold weather bowl game currently in operation – but who cares? I’ve met a lot of people from Idaho and they’ve said some nice things about Idaho’s fishing and skiing and resorts, but not a whole lot about the bustling nightlife, which apparently consists of “Y’know, driving around… And stuff.” On the other hand, Idaho senator Larry Craig is currently battling allegations that he was soliciting sex in an airport bathroom, so I guess there’s one way to spend your per diem. I know the OMB has a limit on hookers, but how about senators?

#3: All Praise Be To Our Glorious Leader Bowl – Pyongyang, North Korea (No payout, capitalist swine!)

Who ever said Communists aren’t ready for some football? Although it’s been in operation for several years, the APBTOGL Bowl has had some trouble finding teams willing to play. This could be because of a little-publicized postgame event in which the losing team is executed by firing squad after leaving the field. Sports experts agree that this tradition is why South Muncie Bible Academy’s football program never recovered after their 2003 loss to North Korea Tech.

#2: 7th Circle of Hell Bowl – Banks of the River Styx, Hell (Payout: Souls of the damned)

Thanks to a recent sponsorship contract with home team University of Hell, the 7th Circle of Hell Bowl will now match the UH Fightin’ Brimstones against a team from the realm of the living every year. This is a rough game for the away team, what with the sulfur jets on the field and the eternal torment and all. University of Hell also fields an impressive football team that includes wide receiver Jack the Ripper, running back Lee Harvey Oswald, and Heisman candidate Judas as quarterback. Head coach Vlad the Impaler is also reportedly eager for the death of O.J. Simpson, expecting him to be a great addition to the team. This year, University of Hell plays Notre Dame.

#1: Emerald Bowl – San Francisco, California (Payout: $850,000)

I was back at my high school during the break, and some acne faced, snot nosed freshman in an OSU T-shirt came up to me and said, “So, what did you think of the Civil War game?” “It didn’t really bother me too much,” I said. “Because, after all, U of O is going to a higher ranked bowl game.” The kid just muttered something like “Oh” and walked away. True story.

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Truman Capps enjoys pulling out canned rerun entries like this, because neglecting his fans is his favorite thing ever.