On Travel
...sucks.
So this weekend I went to El Paso* with the Oregon Marching Band, so I could pep up the crowds and help our football team win, which they did.
*This isn't a blog where you go to learn life lessons. If you're looking for them, you probably shouldn't be on the Internet, because as I've previously mentioned, looking for something worthwhile on the Internet that isn't bizarre pornography is about as productive as shooting yourself in the face on the off-chance that the bullet might be made of delicious gravy. All that aside, I'm going to impart one piece of advice, perhaps the most worthwhile information you'll ever get from me: Never, ever, ever go to El Paso. Maybe you think it wasn't so bad because, being with the band, I got an all expenses paid trip. To put things in perspective, getting an all expenses paid trip to El Paso is like getting an all expenses paid kick in the face, only a kick in the face doesn't last three days (unless you're in a Chuck Norris joke). You know that crappy part of town where there's a lot of strip malls and all the houses are run down and everything has bars over the windows? Those are all little clones of El Paso, except better, because I'm willing to bet they're not prone to temperatures of 20 degrees at 10 AM and 80 degrees at 2 PM, dry enough to make your hands and lips crack and bleed, or dustier than the inside of a vacuum cleaner. Did I mention that it's right next door to the city where hundreds of women have mysteriously been murdered in the past decade? I'm serious, just... Just don't go to El Paso. If you're reading this and you live in El Paso, I'm really sorry. For all I know, I could've only seen the very worst parts of your city, and maybe everywhere else the streets are paved with garlic and there's huge statues paying homage to Kurt Vonnegut, but for the plain and simple fact that I'm not as funny when I'm politically correct, I've got to say that I unabashedly hated being in El Paso. So sorry.
The Early Bird Catches The Worm, And We Hate Him For The Example He Sets
The people in charge of the band made us report to Autzen Stadium at 4:00 AM so we could get on the buses that would take us to the charter plane at the airport. Once we got to the airport, we waited in the terminal for an hour until our charter plane showed up. I'm actually really glad that we did that, because if people don't make me do stupid things then I don't have anything to write about, and who needs extra sleep before a big exhausting weekend anyway? Sure, yes, I get it, we had to make sure there was plenty of time so that the plane didn't leave without us lest there be some sort of snag, but... But it was a charter plane! Had we slept for another hour and then hit some sort of snag in security, that plane wouldn't have taken off at 7:00 anyway without the people who paid for it! But instead, we woke up at 4:00 AM! So that we could go to El Paso! Do you know what that feels like!?
Airplanes Are Not Roller Coasters
When the airplane is landing, don't hold up your arms and cheer like you're on a roller coaster. Why not? Because you're not on a roller coaster. As a general rule, if it's something you'd do at a theme park, it probably doesn't have any place in normal society. Would you get your picture taken with a giant mouse walking around on the street? Would you pay $7.00 for a small Diet Coke at a normal restaurant? Would you get into a decaying, rusty machine operated by a greasy hillbilly if it wasn't the Tilt-a-Whirl? No, no you wouldn't, because that would not be a very smart thing to do. But then again, if you hold up your arms and cheer while the plane is landing, you're probably pretty stupid anyway, so I guess you would be willing to pay a few hundred dollars to get on a roller coaster ride that has a mildly exciting beginning, a dead boring three hour interlude with a drink service and showing of Hairspray, and a mildly exciting ending followed by El Paso.
Mysteries of Sonic Revealed
If you live in Oregon, you've probably been seeing commercials for a fast food drive in called Sonic for your entire life, and you've probably always been wondering why the hell Sonic is paying for ads in states that don't even have a Sonic. Likewise, you may have heard the rumors of the Sonic that now apparently exists somewhere in Hillsboro, a shimmering fast food Shangri-La of sorts. Well, if you can say anything about El Paso, it's that they were kind enough to put a Sonic right close to the hotel we stayed in, so a few friends and I went and tried to see what all the fuss was about. Sonic, I think, is a Venus Fly Trap sort of enterprise - they lure unsuspecting out-of-towners to their restaurants, befuddle them with a highly technical ordering process, and then merely wait for the confused consumers to starve to death while pondering how to eat at a drive in when they have no car. At that point, they take the bodies and make them into Soylent Green Shakes, only one of the 168,894 possible drink combinations Sonic advertises. Fortunately, we outsmarted them and figured out that you had to push a button and say what you wanted, and then eventually they'd bring it to you from inside. And I've got to say that overall, the food there is pretty good. Not worth going to El Paso for, but if you're in Hillsboro and feeling lucky, I'd say you should give it a shot.
School Starts In Less Than A Week
Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap. I might actually have to do work next term, which will severely cut into my Team Fortress 2 time. This is almost as bad as El Paso...
The people in charge of the band made us report to Autzen Stadium at 4:00 AM so we could get on the buses that would take us to the charter plane at the airport. Once we got to the airport, we waited in the terminal for an hour until our charter plane showed up. I'm actually really glad that we did that, because if people don't make me do stupid things then I don't have anything to write about, and who needs extra sleep before a big exhausting weekend anyway? Sure, yes, I get it, we had to make sure there was plenty of time so that the plane didn't leave without us lest there be some sort of snag, but... But it was a charter plane! Had we slept for another hour and then hit some sort of snag in security, that plane wouldn't have taken off at 7:00 anyway without the people who paid for it! But instead, we woke up at 4:00 AM! So that we could go to El Paso! Do you know what that feels like!?
Airplanes Are Not Roller Coasters
When the airplane is landing, don't hold up your arms and cheer like you're on a roller coaster. Why not? Because you're not on a roller coaster. As a general rule, if it's something you'd do at a theme park, it probably doesn't have any place in normal society. Would you get your picture taken with a giant mouse walking around on the street? Would you pay $7.00 for a small Diet Coke at a normal restaurant? Would you get into a decaying, rusty machine operated by a greasy hillbilly if it wasn't the Tilt-a-Whirl? No, no you wouldn't, because that would not be a very smart thing to do. But then again, if you hold up your arms and cheer while the plane is landing, you're probably pretty stupid anyway, so I guess you would be willing to pay a few hundred dollars to get on a roller coaster ride that has a mildly exciting beginning, a dead boring three hour interlude with a drink service and showing of Hairspray, and a mildly exciting ending followed by El Paso.
Mysteries of Sonic Revealed
If you live in Oregon, you've probably been seeing commercials for a fast food drive in called Sonic for your entire life, and you've probably always been wondering why the hell Sonic is paying for ads in states that don't even have a Sonic. Likewise, you may have heard the rumors of the Sonic that now apparently exists somewhere in Hillsboro, a shimmering fast food Shangri-La of sorts. Well, if you can say anything about El Paso, it's that they were kind enough to put a Sonic right close to the hotel we stayed in, so a few friends and I went and tried to see what all the fuss was about. Sonic, I think, is a Venus Fly Trap sort of enterprise - they lure unsuspecting out-of-towners to their restaurants, befuddle them with a highly technical ordering process, and then merely wait for the confused consumers to starve to death while pondering how to eat at a drive in when they have no car. At that point, they take the bodies and make them into Soylent Green Shakes, only one of the 168,894 possible drink combinations Sonic advertises. Fortunately, we outsmarted them and figured out that you had to push a button and say what you wanted, and then eventually they'd bring it to you from inside. And I've got to say that overall, the food there is pretty good. Not worth going to El Paso for, but if you're in Hillsboro and feeling lucky, I'd say you should give it a shot.
School Starts In Less Than A Week
Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap. I might actually have to do work next term, which will severely cut into my Team Fortress 2 time. This is almost as bad as El Paso...
Truman Capps has been riding Greyhound buses, sleeping on couches and floors, and living out of a single duffel bag for the past six days, and now feels at peace with his inner hobo.