An Open Letter To The IRS — Thinking Comes Later

This image is officially called "taxes", but I prefer to call it PENCIL OM NOM NOM NOM!

Dear IRS,
Hello! How are you? I am fine. Well, enough small talk. You should give me money.

I know this isn’t exactly your thing; you are, after all, the IRS, and your prerogative is more to take money away from people (unless they’re rich, thanks to our current administration) than to give it, but as you may be aware, there’s a lot of talk of this economic stimulus package in which you send bags of money, gold, diamonds, and Godiva chocolates to taxpayers, and I want in on it. “But Truman,” You’re probably saying “You’re not a taxpayer!” I beg to differ, IRS, because last summer I was a taxpayer! Out of the roughly $1300 I made scrubbing filth off of cars that cost more than the GDP of Tajikistan and are advertised by a man in a bear suit, I paid literally hundreds of dollars worth of taxes, and if that doesn’t make me a taxpayer I quite honestly don’t know what does. The point is: I’m due for economic stimulus.

You’ve done this a few times in the past, and maybe it hasn’t quite stimulated the economy like you may have hoped, but it was a lot of fun for all involved. I wasn’t a taxpayer last time you sent out checks, but my parents were, and I remember the occasion fondly – they shouted things like “Cha-ching!” and made slot machine noises and then we had a nice dinner at The Honeybaked Ham Store before blowing the remainder on lottery scratch-its and beef jerky, and a good time was had by all. And now it’s my turn! I understand that you’re reluctant to do this sort of thing more often because, when America’s economy is as shriveled and flaccid as it is right now, people tend to take their stimulus money and put it into savings, rather than going out and spending it on delicious, juicy consumer products. Well, let me guarantee you, I won’t put a cent of my economic stimulus into savings. As soon as I get my check, I’m going to shout “Cha-ching!” and make slot machine noises and go buy myself an XBox 360. My hand to God. I really want an XBox 360. Have you heard of Gears of War? It has a gun with a chainsaw bayonet – how could I not spend my economic stimulus package on a game that lets me chop up aliens with my gun? I am nothing if not trustworthy, IRS.

I've perused your website’s section on the aforementioned package (and might I add, with all due respect, your website is a tad boring. Too many numbers and forms with mysterious names. Take a page from Homestarrunner.com’s book and try adding some color and flash animations. I think it’ll really put the sex appeal back into income tax returns.) I was, to put it lightly, pretty flippin’ cheesed off to find out that I don’t actually qualify for any money, as I made less than $3000 last summer. Let me speak bluntly: I want your package, and I don’t care what I have to do to get it*. Furthermore, who are you to decide which taxpayers are more deserving of no-strings-attached government checks in the mail than others? Did you purchase a new or used car last summer, IRS? Did you stop to admire how clean that car was despite the fact that it was parked on an outdoor lot frequented by geese and crows next to a busy, slightly dusty street? Did the car’s on-lot cleanliness influence your purchase? Don’t answer – we both know the answer is yes. If not for the lot boys, you wouldn’t have bought that $4.2 million Cadillac Escalade, and you wouldn’t be spending twice my college tuition every week to keep it gassed up, and then where would our economy be? I mean, sure, SUV drivers relentlessly skullfuck the environment into oblivion on a near-daily basis, but money has to go into the economy for all that gas they’re burning, and I’m fairly certain that at least some of the money doesn’t in turn go into various Middle Eastern economies after the fact. The auto industry is the backbone of our country’s economic prowess, along with apple pie and freedom, and by making sure that the outlandishly priced cars are attractive to buyers, lot boys are the vanguards of that backbone! And you’re looking me in the eye and telling me that I’m not entitled to an economic stimulus package? Poor show, IRS. See if the roof of your next major automotive purchase gets a complete chamois job.

*Incidentally, that’s what your Mom said last night.

I’m not asking for much, IRS, just money, and if there’s one thing the government has a lot of these days, it’s that. If you’re afraid that this economic stimulus package won’t work, that it’ll go the way of the previous packages and simply get entered into money conscious citizens’ savings accounts, I have a solution: Just give the money to me. All of it. I guarantee you that it’ll get spent. Once I’ve got an XBox I’m going to need games, and then more controllers, and after that, well, I was looking into Warhammer 40K, and that’s pretty expensive too. You don’t know how serious I am about this. There are lots of things in the world that I would buy were it not for the fact that I don’t get paid to not have a job. Here’s a promise for you: As long as you send me checks in the mail on a regular basis, I promise I’ll use them to buy expensive crap. I know, supporting the economy all on my own is a big task, but I think I’m up to it. The XBox has a pretty strong 2008 game lineup.

Sincerely yours,

Truman Capps
Internet Celebrity

Truman Capps wants a piece of the pie, and for the first time in his life he doesn't mean that literally.