What's Hot In Flihova

In a few hours, I have two tests on two different subjects in Spanish, tests that I had trouble studying for due to the fact that I spent most of the afternoon hard at work finishing an Economics homework assignment due on Thursday that I won't be able to do after classes Wednesday because I have to write a script ASAP for the public access cop mockumentary I work on. Then, when I realized not too long ago that I also had an update due today, I put several four letter words together in new and fascinating combinations.

The long and short of it is, when it comes down to writing a blog at the last minute or not failing Spanish, Economics, and my budding television career, I go with the thing that costs money and spews credit. Instead of a blog I have for you a short subject I wrote in my senior year of high school, not long after North Korea's first nuclear test. Until Sunday, do please enjoy...

WHAT'S HOT IN FLIHOVA

VOLUME I
November, 2009
Flihova, Nebraska

By Kim Sterling

Hi there, Flihovans! It’s me, Kim Sterling , former Flihova County High School Varsity Cheer Squad co-captain (1986-1988) and co owner of Flihova Discount Scented Candle Warehouse with my totally super husband Steve (much love Steve! :P). How’re you all doing? Well, since you’re reading this, and I’m probably not close to you*, you can’t tell me, but since you’re reading my column, I know you’re doing just super!

*I mean close in only a physical sense, because I feel that emotionally and spiritually I’m very close to every last one of you. <3 I bet a lot of you are saying, ‘Hey, why did Kim Sterling decide to start her own gossip column when she’s already got a very successful scented candle outlet (883 Flihova Parkway East, right across from the Adult Shop) to bring in the bacon for her and her family?’ Or maybe you’re saying, ‘Why did Kim Sterling start a gossip column after a nuclear war disintegrated human civilization?’ Well, it’s like this. I’ve seen a lot of glum faces around Flihova recently. Now, come on, what’s with that? Why can’t we turn those frowns around? You can’t let a nuclear war get you down!

Now, last fall, when North Korea tested a nuclear weapon, I was just as worried as everybody else. Would you believe that? Me, Kim Sterling , the Official Optimist of Flihova County (as voted by the Flihova County Chamber of Commerce, 1997) getting all gloomy and sad because I was scared that a bunch of Communist Asians were going to push the button! But after awhile, I held my head up high, put my faith in the Bush Administration, and went on selling scented candles and changing the lives of others! Sure, my optimism wanted to curl up into an itty-bitty little ball and hide away when North Korea tested its second and third and fourth nuclear weapons, but I looked on the bright side and kept on going with my life! And when the North Koreans wiped Los Angeles and Seattle and San Francisco off the map, I said some extra prayers and kept on going with my life! And as both North Korea and the United States rained fire and brimstone upon each other locked in tumultuous battle over the fate of all that is good and free and mushroom clouds bloomed like mushrooms of fire** over Washington D.C. and New York and Omaha and Dallas and Pyongyang and all those other weird North Korean cities with Asian-y names, I held my head up high! So what if civilization has dissolved? So what if bands of highwaymen now roam the country? So what if a cloud of radiation could drift over our fair city at any moment and turn us all into mutant zombies? At least we’re alive!

**Wow, sorry, totally got on a description trip there - I took a creative writing class in high school! LOL

But it’s no good being alive if you’re just going to waste it being all glum and gloomy! So that’s why I created this gossip column! So everybody in town can keep up on the social goings on of post apocalyptic central Nebraska! Now are you ready to take your mind off of your problems? Of course you are! As we used to say on the Varsity Cheer Squad, Okay! Let’s Go!

Everybody’s talking about Charlie Mayberry after he was spotted tooling around downtown Flihova in his ’84 Cadillac Cavalier, newly modified with spikes on the front bumper and the impaled head of a zombie on the hood. I caught up with him in his trailer and asked him why he decided to spruce up his ride.
“Well,” says Mayberry, 43. “I put the spikes on my bumper to ward off the cannibal bandits. My friend Tucker Wozniak was trying to head out to Cedarville, down County Road 9, but some cannibal bandits killed him and ate his heart so they could gain his power."
Let me tell you, if any of you out there remember Tucker Wozniak, the only power that cannibal gained is the ability to stink up the room in a hurry after $1 Chili Night at Friday's. Ha ha! Am I right or am I right, folks?
And where did Charlie get that uber-chic zombie head on the hood?
“I cut off a zombie’s head.”
Ouch! Sassy!

If you’ve been to Southwestern Flihova recently, you’ve probably noticed a few changes. Mainly that armed teenagers with severe acne are patrolling the streets and killing/imprisoning anyone who doesn’t belong. The Flihova County High School Marching Band, once dedicated to halftime entertainment, has now dedicated itself to the creation by force of a new world order in which geeks and socially awkward outcasts are the ruling class. That’s a big old uh-oh for all us former cheerleaders! After assuring them of my good intentions and submitting to several very anxious and thorough full-body searches for weapons, the band allowed me to meet their leader, Grand Game Master +20 Maynard Kleinbaulm.
“We’re living in a very exciting time, Kim.” Maynard told me, reclining in an empty classroom in the abandoned high school that now serves as his presidential mansion. Two lithe clarinet players stood on either side of him, fanning the self-diagnosed Asperger’s sufferer with palm fronds. “Society got destroyed for a reason. We’re changing the sheets. The geeks shall inherit the Earth! The streets will run red of the blood of those who oppose us… And those without asthma.”
And will there be any room for cheerleaders in this new world of yours?
“Well, any good society needs its love slaves.”
Yikes! Well, needless to say, I hotfooted it right out of there! Good luck with the dictatorship, Maynard!

The mayoral elections are drawing closer, and the competition couldn’t be any fiercer! Independent John Trumbell is hoping to unseat incumbent Bill Clay, who is a zombie, and their wildly different viewpoints are making this election the most hotly contested in Flihova history.
I met with John Trumbell at his campaign headquarters in an abandoned bowling alley. Slim with a crew cut and pushing 39, Trumbell certainly looks prepared to win. He’s running on a Pro Human, Anti Zombie ticket, and his political agenda includes building a huge wall around Flihova to keep zombies and bandits out and levying a 10% income tax on all zombies living within the city limits, in order to encourage them to leave.
“If you like living, you’ll vote for me.” John said. “Right now, Flihova is completely undefended. Bandits and zombies can just walk right into town and steal and kill and zombify everything they want to – and they do! You think you can trust my opponent to defend Flihova from zombies? He is a zombie, for God’s sake!”
Wow, John, those are some harsh words. I caught up with Bill Clay as he shuffled aimlessly down 18th street, gnawing on the decaying remains of a human leg. Clay’s controversial decision to start eating human brains last month drove away a lot of voters, as did the discovery that he sent instant messages to mayor’s office pages in which he suggested that he wanted to eat their brains. Take a look:

Cutiepi89: lol what ru doin
Billclay66: BRAAAAAAAAAAAINS
Cutiepi89: what lol
Billclay66: BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINS

Shocking! I asked Clay how he intended to respond to these criticisms, and he took a long time to respond – perhaps because he’s a zombie.
“Well, Kim, I’m not going to lie: I’m a zombie. I love eating brains. It’s the best part of my day. If that gets between me and the mayor’s office, then so be it.”
I asked Bill what he’d do if he didn’t get elected. He paused for another long stretch.
“I dunno. Probably eat some brains.”
At this, he tried to attack me and eat my brain, but then got distracted by a passing alley cat and shambled away. Nothing like some good old political intrigue to brighten up your day!

Well, as far as gossip goes, that’s about all I’ve got for this week. Flihova’s a small town, and I’m a busy girl. I sure hope you all liked it! Just remember: Nothing happening out there in the mean ‘ol world is too nasty for you to smile at. Who knows? Maybe things will start to look better if you face them with a smile! If not, try lighting a Morning Mist Mojito scented candle (item ID #13382) - that's guaranteed to work!

Truman Capps thinks that he's very creative, and you should too.