Mystery Science Hatemail Theater 3000

Woah... Fuck you, Truman Capps!

So some of you may have noticed that my most recent column for the Daily Emerald pissed off basically everyone in the universe. This is a sampling of some of my more colorful constructive feedback.

**

Read your article concerning concealed carry on college campus.

Good to know – I was wondering, actually. How’d you like it?

May I inform you of a few facts, about myself in particular.

Oh, this probably isn’t a fan letter.

When I went to school (Grammar school & high school were all in one building) in rural NC in the 1950s every old farm truck that we got to drive to school in order to pick up fertilizer, etc. on the way home had a gun rack and a .22 rifle or shotgun hung in all the racks.

Fertilizer Etc? That sounds like some sort of hillbilly boutique shop.

Most were loaded, none were stolen. In the beds of those trucks were a variety of weapons; axes, bush axes, pitchforks, hoes, grubbing hoes, chains, ropes, wire, knives, etc. etc.

So what I’m getting from this is that rural North Carolina in the 1950s had a serious zombie problem. And also, I live by a few sorority houses and I’ve seen more than my fair share of grubbing hoes in the beds of pickup trucks, thank you very much.

Every boy I knew back in those days had a pocket knife you could shave the hairs on your arm with ; a matter of pride.

Yeah, gotta keep that arm hair in check. Y’know, for the… Pride.

I doubt seriously if you could have kidnapped one of us without serious risk to your well being. This was high school. By the way, we were taught at an early age to respect our fellow man and not to interfere with his lawful pursuit of his business. Notice I said lawful pursuit.

I’m sorry that my contrary opinion apparently interfered with your lawful pursuit. From, like, two thousand miles away. Apparently the pen is mightier than the concealed weapon.

By the time I was college age, (20) I was halfway around the world in Nam, a crew chief in a US Navy Combat Flight Crew. We carried handguns on our persons and had fully automatic weapons on the plane which we used to defend this country.

You were a crew chief at age 20? Yeah, well, I wrote a hit public access TV show and directed it, so I’m not sweating it either.

I did my time as a police officer and served the public with a weapon on my person most of the time.

I carry a weapon (with a TX concealed carry permit) about 99.9% of the time.

LOL TEXAS LOL

I do my time about once a week on the range to keep myself well versed in the use of that weapon. I very seldom go anyplace I can't carry the weapon. I am retired so I have very little need to go where the weapon can't go.

Because, I mean, the Old Country Buffet can get pretty crazy on a Friday night. You can’t just go in there with your dick swingin’ in the breeze.

I haven't been on an airplane since 9-11 and don't intend to board another one unless it is a matter of life or death, mine. I most certainly have no need to go on a college campus as they are about the most liberal places I can think of, most especially in my part of the country.

Wow, really? The most liberal places in all of Texas? You’re just adorable. Listen, let me tell you something: Never come to Oregon. I see like five drum circles before breakfast, and just last night I saw what I thought was a woman taking a piss at a urinal.

In short I should like to take this opportunity to remind you that, contrary to popular opinion, the world is a dangerous place.

…Really? You mean the terrorists aren’t kidding when they say ‘Death to America’?

We have a real war going on here just south of the border in Mexico plus the usual amount of crime in a city. (El Paso, TX).

I’m with you there – I’d want to have a gun on me at all times in El Paso too. That way, suicide is always an option.

I do not intend to be caught in a crossfire without the ability or means to protect myself & mine. Thank you, however you may keep the "hope & change" that this government has promised us and I will keep my guns. I shall not trespass on any college campuses.

That’s a damn shame, because I feel like you’d be a real big hit with us liberal kids.

I shall also endeavour to not offer assistance to anyone in distress or who is being attacked as my interference could pose a risk to my fellow man.

Yeah, well, it’s all about the sanctity of life with me. Pray tell, dear sir, what are your thoughts on the matter?

I assume it would be a greater risk to offer my assistance than the risk incurred by being harmed by a career criminal and besides, I should most likely be prosecuted if I did so and harmed the criminal. We most certainly wouldn't want to harm the criminal, it would probably damage his self esteem while operating in his chosen profession.

And I appreciate that – criminals kick ass!

John,

Texas

**

(From the Oregon Commentator blog)

You didn’t think we were going to let yesterday’s opinion piece in the ODE about concealed carry on campus slip by, did you? In case you missed it, columnist Truman Capps wrote about how icky guns are and how they shouldn’t be allowed on college campuses.

You did, however, let my hard hitting investigative piece about corruption at the highest levels of the Miss Lane County Pageant slip by, though – and you call yourselves journalists.

There is no Oregon statute against concealed carry in bars or college campuses. According to ORS 166.370, possession of a firearm in a public building is a Class C felony, but one of the exceptions is “[a] person who is licensed under ORS 166.291 and 166.292 to carry a concealed handgun.” In fact, the only public buildings you are not allowed to carry a firearm into are courtrooms, airports and federal buildings.

The university system code against concealed carry is in clear contradiction of state law. I don’t even know where Capps got the idea that concealed carry is illegal in bars.

Wow, my bad – I assumed the state legislature had taken precautions against serving alcohol to people carrying guns. That must have been another one of my trips to the magical happy land of Common Sense.

Perhaps before he writes an article disseminated to the whole campus, he should do some basic research first. Or perhaps his editors should fact-check his stories for, y’know, blatant errors. Perhaps a retraction is in order.

Yeah, because if I made that correction then everyone would stop being mad at me for trying to strip away their civil liberties and throw them into gulags by not allowing them to carry handguns on college campuses.

I wrote an article last year about concealed carry on campus, which prompted this response from the ODE. Searching through the blog archives for “concealed carry” and “gun control” is also fun.

P.S. In his penultimate paragraph, Capps writes, “[I]f campus safety is such a concern, let Department of Public Safety have guns.” Can we nominate this for oxymoronic phrase of the year or something?

Instead, let everyone but public safety have guns. Just watch them try and write a parking ticket then!


**

(From “FoundingFathers”)

3 Quotes about arms from our Founding Fathers:

"The strongest reason for people to retain the right to keep and bear arms is, as a last resort, to protect themselves against tyranny in government." -- (Thomas Jefferson)

Followed by the quote, “Man, I hope a bunch of whackjobs in Michigan don’t use that as an excuse to stockpile guns if we elect a black guy.”

"Any society that would give up a little freedom to gain a little security will deserve neither and lose both." Benjamin Franklin

”What happens in a brothel in Paris stays in a brothel in Paris… Right?”

"...to disarm the people - that was the best and most effectual way to enslave them." (George Mason, 3 Elliot, Debates at 380)

”And, speaking as a slaveowner myself, chains are great too.”

Do you think our founding fathers were kidding about this? Would they give up their rights because of a handful of isolated tragedies? Want to dwell on tragedies...the US...with your tax dollars...with the puppets you have elected...have killed ONE MILLION Iraqi's.

Dude, HUGE burn on puppets.

This self-identified-liberal gun restriction rhetoric in this article has been echoed so many times, its sickening. We've all heard this before.

”Self identified liberal”? Fuck you, asshole, I don’t need to go have somebody else designate me as a liberal – I’ll do that myself. There’s at least one individual liberty I support.

Gun control laws only stop law-abiding citizens. In the coming years, we will see civil unrest the likes of which we can't fathom at the moment. Martial law may be enacted by our puppet-on-a-string for a president Obama.

Yeah, that’s right! If we’re not allowed to have our guns with us on college campuses, Obama will overthrow the country! He’ll just make sure everybody’s on a college campus first so we can’t use our guns to put up a fight!

Tell me what you are going to do when the desperate criminals break down your door with their eye on everything you hold dear? Call the police? Sing them a song about Obama? Tell them about your carbon footprint?

Actually, the plan was to have gay sex with one of them while simultaneously giving a 16 year old an abortion. Good guesses, though.

Take you rights back! Our founding fathers died for them...

While raping their slaves.

**

Truman Capps is slightly dismayed that the group of people he pissed off the most was the gun owners who have their weapons on hand at all times.