3 Things To Remember About the University of Washington

Boomtown.

Hello, folks - I wrote this a few days ago for the Oregon Marching Band newsletter which they hand out on the busses to keep us occupied on long road trips, such as our recent jaunt up to Seattle (the land God forgot). I understand that probably 98% of my readership is the marching band and has thus read this already, but screw you guys - I have homework to do.

1) NEVER BE ALONE

This doesn’t just apply during the game – as a general rule, being alone anywhere on the University of Washington campus is a surefire recipe for getting stabbed in the face. Why? Because while the University of Washington may have international recognition for its science and literature departments, little has been said about its remarkable ability to generate necrophile rapist serial killers.

In 1965, Ted Bundy transferred to the University of Washington. He worked odd jobs to pay his way through school, volunteered for political campaigns he supported, and was possessed by a burning desire to murder people and violate their corpses. Yet another everyday, ordinary Husky.

Bundy eventually went on a cross-country killing spree that made him one of the nation’s most prolific serial killers. He murdered 36 women, escaped from jail twice, and when they finally caught him he acted as his own attorney in the trial. Clearly his alma mater taught him a lot about how to be slippery and amoral.

You may think that it’s stupid to assume that the University of Washington is a maven of serial killers just because one really dangerous serial killer went to school there. But that’s the thing: Ted Bundy, who killed almost enough people to fill Bus 1, is the only one the world found out about. All the University of Washington’s other serial killers – and I assure you, there are thousands of them – haven’t slipped up and gotten caught yet.

Never. Be. Alone.

On a side note, while Bundy did represent himself in the trial, he didn’t win – in his defense, the University of Washington is not really known for winning things.

2) WATCH WHERE YOU STEP

The University of Washington has chosen to sully the reputation of the Alaskan Malmute, a fine and intelligent animal, by latching onto it as the mascot for their unrelenting campaign of losing football games and necrophilia. Rather than have a cheerleader put on a big animal suit like all forward thinking and generally good schools, though, UW has an actual, living Husky trotting around the sidelines at all of their games, presumably to energize all 38 fans in the stands.

Again, the Husky is a wonderful breed of dog, but no matter what breed of dog you’ve got walking around the sidelines of your football game, there’s still a better than average chance that it’s going to take a dump at some point. And then there’s dog poop, on your football field, while you’re playing a game – that being said, in light of Washington’s standard of play, dog poop is probably the most interesting thing going on on the field.

The point is, make sure to look around when you’re going onto the field for halftime. While I doubt that there will be enough Husky students around to throw paint at us, it’s pretty much certain that the real Husky will leave at least one land mine for us by the sidelines. The UW Band has gotten pretty good at stepping over their mascot’s crap – that is, after all, why they march in the ridiculous way that they do.

3) DO NOT BE ALARMED WHEN YOU ENCOUNTER HUSKY FANS

Either at the game or around the hotel, you might bump into people wearing purple and gold who are not hanging their heads in shame the way they’re supposed to. These are called “Washington fans.” They do not appear to be ashamed of their school because they are stupid. This is in keeping with the motto of the University of Washington, “We are stupid and nobody likes us.”

They’ll probably yell stuff at you, perhaps rhyming the word “duck” with “fuck,” and it’s an absolute statistical certainty that they’ll mention their recent victory over USC. It’s science. However, no matter how tempting it may be to remind these creatures that USC hasn’t won a single game in Oregon for the past four years, don’t. Also, do not remind them that the University of Oregon has been to a bowl game in recent memory.

Just smile and let them say their piece, maybe offering a helpful, “Go Ducks!” along the way. But in the end, nothing you say to them will have any effect. They’ve completely bought into their silly little school and no amount of fact or reason will convince them otherwise.

Also, it’s not nice to argue with retarded people.

Truman Capps is vehemently opposed to blind hatred and intolerance, two qualities the University of Washington wholeheartedly embraces.