Sorry Folks, This One's Kind Of About Sports

But first, some Star Wars.

I’ve said many times that there’s nothing better in college football than absolutely pounding Washington, but after last night I’ve realized that I was wrong.

The thing is, Washington fans have come to expect it. Sure, they get drunk and scream at us with all the acumen expected of born and bred Seattle hillbillies, but you can tell that deep down, they’re just getting drunk and screaming for the sake of getting drunk and screaming. Their team is still in such bad shape that it lost a recent exhibition match with the Oregon School for the Blind – the fans know this, but their logic is that college football is one of the last social institutions that does not frown on drinking Coors before 9 AM, telling a stranger that you fucked his mother, and vomiting in public, so why pass it up just because the team won’t win?

USC is a horse of a different color.

I’m always kind of shocked to see USC fans walking around in the world – I guess it’s a constant surprise to me that they actually exist. USC has been dominating the Pac-10, as well as a lot of college football in general, for about as long as I’ve been paying attention, and presumably for a while before then, too. They’re the reason that Midwestern douchetrucks call us the Pac-1. They have a tried and true record of steamrolling just about everyone, and in so doing have earned a reputation for being a bunch of snotty cockhammers* about it.

*Not to be confused with early 80’s English punk rock frontman Snotty Cockhammers.

I guess what I find entertaining about college football is the act of swearing allegiance to your team through thick and thin, and being there for the bad times as well as the good times. USC, however, has only had good times, and I feel like that’s kind of cheating. It’s basically guaranteed that their team is going to win. I mean, why even bother showing up? The only reason the fans (and their fucking band) seem to go to the games is to be spiteful after their team wins.

It’s like watching Star Wars and rooting for The Empire, because hey – how could they lose, right? “Fuck you, Alderaan! You just got your ass kicked by the Death Star! EMPIRE FOREVER!” And then the band plays that fucking song.

So last night, when we beat USC 47-20 (their worst loss in 12 years), we were essentially blowing up their Death Star, and watching the looks of vacant shock and confusion on their fans’ faces was priceless. The fact that we did it in front of a national television audience? Double priceless.

I think hubris was really USC’s biggest problem last night – that and the fact that they lost big time. When their team came on the field to warm up, our student section booed them, as is tradition (it’s not like USC has a monopoly on asshole fans – they’re just the very best at it). Their players reveled in it, one of them smiling at the students and sweeping his arms upward to encourage them to boo louder.

A few hours later he and his teammates were running for their lives to make it to the locker room as mobs of Oregon fans pushed past security guards to rush the field, eventually filling it up like a swimming pool full of drunk people.

That being said, we weren’t without hubris either – our fans were jingling keys and singing “Kiss Him Goodbye” when there were still seven minutes left in the fourth quarter. Admittedly, we had more than doubled USC’s score at that point, but we would have looked incredibly bad if they’d come back and won then. On the other hand, I’ve never heard that many keys jingling in unison before, and I’m pretty sure USC hasn’t either.

It all takes me back to the game against Boise State almost three months ago. That could charitably be described as a really awful day – The Girlfriend and I broke up that morning, and when I went to find solace in football, all I got was a well publicized ass-kicking show with a little bit of Rocky at the end. September 3rd was no fun at all.

But then last night I was looking at a scoreboard, and the number in lights underneath ‘Oregon’ was a lot larger than the one underneath ‘USC’, which is definitely a rare thing.

In light of Boise State, though, I can kind of understand how USC’s asshole fans feel. They tuned into the game expecting their team to teabag us and end all the national hype here and now, a lot like Oregon fans did three months ago. The results were hard for us to swallow then, and I’m sure they were hard for USC to swallow last night – particularly because at the time we were physically brushing their teeth with our dicks.

It’s surprising how quickly something terrible can turn an organization around. Maybe we should start every season with an embarrassing loss to galvanize us into greatness. Maybe USC should too – last night knocked them down a few notches, and I like that very much, but this is really an opportunity for them to quit trading on the fact that they’re USC and maybe quit playing like they’re The Empire.

Sure, The Empire thought it was invincible, but there was an exhaust port on the Death Star the whole time.

Truman Capps hopes that USC gets #3 in the Pac-10 so their fucking band has to spend four days in El Paso.