Special Thanks
The Hair Guy Board of Regents would like to take this opportunity to recognize the following Eugene institutions for their contributions to the city’s overall quality of life:
Robert Saks Mattress Company
While mattress retailers such as Sleep Country USA hawk their wares with jingles, synthesizers, and attractive spokespeople, Robert Saks decided to go in a bold and unprecedented direction. He decided to eschew the notion that slick and exciting ads make people want to buy things, and instead decided to let his undying enthusiasm for mattresses speak for itself.
Mr. Saks, while Billy Mays spent years yelling at cameras, you address your audience in a hoarse whisper, as though you have just been told a highly exciting mattress-oriented secret that you are discreetly trying to share. Furthermore, you have clearly decided that music in this commercial would only slow you down, so you’ve left it out entirely. This combination of the quiet voice and lack of musical accompaniment gives the viewer the impression that he is seated alone with you in a completely silent room, looking you directly in the eye, and listening to your sales pitch about mattresses. And this gives him a powerful desire to buy some mattresses.
And special mention must be given to your slogan – “Come see me!” It is simple, elegant, and to the point – so much so that you decide to use it twice within ten seconds. After the first usage, the viewer doubts whether you are serious; the second time he knows that Robert Saks does not fuck around when it comes to mattresses.
The Kiefer Kia Princess
Small town car dealerships have never been known for their high advertising standards, but your majesty, you do the world a great service every time you prance around a lot filled with compact cars while waving a magic wand and wearing a pink dress.
Many girls grow up wanting to become princesses; alas, sooner or later they give up on their dreams and instead nurse an unhealthy obsession with Disney films that will sabotage their love lives with ridiculously unrealistic expectations for years to come. You, however, refused to give up on your dreams and proved to the world that it’s possible to be both a princess and a car saleswoman. We can only imagine which of those occupations you put on your income tax return.
You are a role model to girls everywhere. You don’t passively sit back and wait for customers to come to you – you yell loudly enough that viewers can often hear you in the other room, if not the other county. Yes, you are a grown woman dressed as a princess, but your enthusiasm and passion for your car dealership comes through clearly enough that countless men have been inspired to get up and buy a brand new compact sedan out of fear that you might physically reach through the TV screen and suck out their souls like that girl in The Ring.
DoughCo
In a world where pizza chains now sell sandwiches and McDonald’s sells coffee, you have refused to do anything but calzones and cookies. While others have diversified and tried to be something they’re not, you have recognized that so long as there are human beings and marijuana existing in the same general area, there will shortly thereafter be a profound need for a bready pocket filled with cheese and meat. That’s where you come in.
We also wish to recognize the incredible friendliness of your telephone operators – while employees at other establishments might get tired of constantly reminding callers what the five side dips are, yours say the words “Ranch, marinara, bleu cheese, barbecue, and hot sauce” as though there’s nothing they’d rather be doing than talking about dipping sauces with a complete stranger. When one is ordering a cheap calzone late at night that he will eat alone in front of his computer, it’s good to hear a friendly and sympathetic voice whisper the word “marinara.”
My Neighbor The Lowrider Owner
Some people are ashamed of their tiny penises, but you, sir, put that information right out in the open with your grey two door sedan which rides a few inches off the ground, has a wicked spoiler, and an engine loud enough to wake up your neighbors every time you decide to turn on the car.
You may be surprised to find out that your engine is capable of waking up your neighbors, but it is. It definitely is. It has proven itself quite capable time and again over the past three months. In fact, some have begun to doubt whether your car is even a car at all or just a big mobile alarm clock for douchebags.
When you turn on your car, the powerful engine purrs to life with all the subtlety of an atom bomb riding a Harley Davidson into an Insane Klown Posse concert. And then, not content to end the experience by driving away, you hop out and smoke a cigarette for a few minutes, allowing the engine to rattle the floors of the units above the parking overhang. It’s like a free foot massage nobody asked for.
With a dick that small, there are any number of opportunities available to you – phone sex patron, University of Washington linebacker, journalism major – but you have not let any of this go to your head. No, while you could write your own ticket in the absolutely tiny penis world, you haven’t forgotten your roots, and persist in having a tiny penis right there in Unit 4.
Thank you. Thank you for subjecting us to an impromptu earthquake drill three times a day.
Truman Capps genuinely respects the Kia Princess and Robert Saks as pioneers of bizarre local advertising – so if you two are reading, good job!
Robert Saks Mattress Company
While mattress retailers such as Sleep Country USA hawk their wares with jingles, synthesizers, and attractive spokespeople, Robert Saks decided to go in a bold and unprecedented direction. He decided to eschew the notion that slick and exciting ads make people want to buy things, and instead decided to let his undying enthusiasm for mattresses speak for itself.
Mr. Saks, while Billy Mays spent years yelling at cameras, you address your audience in a hoarse whisper, as though you have just been told a highly exciting mattress-oriented secret that you are discreetly trying to share. Furthermore, you have clearly decided that music in this commercial would only slow you down, so you’ve left it out entirely. This combination of the quiet voice and lack of musical accompaniment gives the viewer the impression that he is seated alone with you in a completely silent room, looking you directly in the eye, and listening to your sales pitch about mattresses. And this gives him a powerful desire to buy some mattresses.
And special mention must be given to your slogan – “Come see me!” It is simple, elegant, and to the point – so much so that you decide to use it twice within ten seconds. After the first usage, the viewer doubts whether you are serious; the second time he knows that Robert Saks does not fuck around when it comes to mattresses.
The Kiefer Kia Princess
Small town car dealerships have never been known for their high advertising standards, but your majesty, you do the world a great service every time you prance around a lot filled with compact cars while waving a magic wand and wearing a pink dress.
Many girls grow up wanting to become princesses; alas, sooner or later they give up on their dreams and instead nurse an unhealthy obsession with Disney films that will sabotage their love lives with ridiculously unrealistic expectations for years to come. You, however, refused to give up on your dreams and proved to the world that it’s possible to be both a princess and a car saleswoman. We can only imagine which of those occupations you put on your income tax return.
You are a role model to girls everywhere. You don’t passively sit back and wait for customers to come to you – you yell loudly enough that viewers can often hear you in the other room, if not the other county. Yes, you are a grown woman dressed as a princess, but your enthusiasm and passion for your car dealership comes through clearly enough that countless men have been inspired to get up and buy a brand new compact sedan out of fear that you might physically reach through the TV screen and suck out their souls like that girl in The Ring.
DoughCo
In a world where pizza chains now sell sandwiches and McDonald’s sells coffee, you have refused to do anything but calzones and cookies. While others have diversified and tried to be something they’re not, you have recognized that so long as there are human beings and marijuana existing in the same general area, there will shortly thereafter be a profound need for a bready pocket filled with cheese and meat. That’s where you come in.
We also wish to recognize the incredible friendliness of your telephone operators – while employees at other establishments might get tired of constantly reminding callers what the five side dips are, yours say the words “Ranch, marinara, bleu cheese, barbecue, and hot sauce” as though there’s nothing they’d rather be doing than talking about dipping sauces with a complete stranger. When one is ordering a cheap calzone late at night that he will eat alone in front of his computer, it’s good to hear a friendly and sympathetic voice whisper the word “marinara.”
My Neighbor The Lowrider Owner
Some people are ashamed of their tiny penises, but you, sir, put that information right out in the open with your grey two door sedan which rides a few inches off the ground, has a wicked spoiler, and an engine loud enough to wake up your neighbors every time you decide to turn on the car.
You may be surprised to find out that your engine is capable of waking up your neighbors, but it is. It definitely is. It has proven itself quite capable time and again over the past three months. In fact, some have begun to doubt whether your car is even a car at all or just a big mobile alarm clock for douchebags.
When you turn on your car, the powerful engine purrs to life with all the subtlety of an atom bomb riding a Harley Davidson into an Insane Klown Posse concert. And then, not content to end the experience by driving away, you hop out and smoke a cigarette for a few minutes, allowing the engine to rattle the floors of the units above the parking overhang. It’s like a free foot massage nobody asked for.
With a dick that small, there are any number of opportunities available to you – phone sex patron, University of Washington linebacker, journalism major – but you have not let any of this go to your head. No, while you could write your own ticket in the absolutely tiny penis world, you haven’t forgotten your roots, and persist in having a tiny penis right there in Unit 4.
Thank you. Thank you for subjecting us to an impromptu earthquake drill three times a day.
Truman Capps genuinely respects the Kia Princess and Robert Saks as pioneers of bizarre local advertising – so if you two are reading, good job!