Grandaddy Of The Suck, Part 2
Part 2: Speed: The Suckening
Last year we went to the Holiday Bowl, which differed significantly from this trip both in that we took a bus instead of a plane and in that the trip was more fun and relaxing and less like that scene from Platoon. You know the scene I’m talking about. The one where nobody is enjoying themselves at any time. Here, let me help you out:
However, even though we spent 20 hours on buses going to and from San Diego, I’d venture that we probably spent more time on buses this year traveling back and forth across a much shorter distance.
Everything in Southern California is at least 45 minutes away from everything else, and that’s if you’re lucky. Maybe this is not the case for everyone – maybe it was just the case for us.
You see, we had been booked into a hotel in Manhattan Beach, near LAX. This had seemed nice at first because the name Manhattan Beach, California suggests a stiff drink and, more importantly, proximity to a beach. Once we arrived at the hotel, though, we realized that the name fell somewhere between a misnomer and an outright bald faced fucking lie, because the Manhattan Beach Marriot was a full five miles away from the nearest beach. Of course, I guess a lot of people probably wouldn’t stay in the Shitty Office Plaza and Strip Mall Marriot, so it behooves them to use a misleading name.
“But,” we thought, “That’s cool. This hotel may not be in a cool place, but it may be close to the other places we need to go during the trip.”
Nope!
We went to California to march in the Tournament of Roses parade and play at the 96th Citibank Rose Bowl, both of which take place in Pasadena. Now, of course, I wouldn’t want the athletic department to go making half-cocked assumptions before all the facts were in, but being as the parade and the game both took place in Pasadena, I would certainly assume that we would be spending a lot of time there. I would not book us into a hotel that is literally on the other side of the city.
To be fair, our rehearsal site was only nine miles away from the hotel. However, Google Maps was quick to point out that with traffic it can take 40 minutes to travel nine miles. And oh yes, dear readers, there was definitely traffic.
But maybe they booked us into a hotel in Manhattan Beach because it was closer to Disneyland, where we were scheduled to perform on the first day.
Nope!
Disneyland is some 30 odd miles away from Manhattan Beach, a trip that can take well over an hour in traffic. And trust me, it did.
It’s not like I expect every single aspect of a bowl game to run smoothly or anything, but all I’m saying is that they could have booked us into a hotel on the Moon under constant siege by flaming nuclear alligators and it still would have been easier for us to make it to all of our destinations in a timely fashion.
You may remember how in the last update I mentioned that we spent a lot of time sitting on the bus waiting for it to move. We had all figured that maybe it was just some weird Oregon bus driver thing. Well, as it turns out, California bus drivers have as much potential for sadism as anyone else.
Every time we left any location on the bowl trip we spent at least one God damned mother fucking hour sitting on the bus, staring out the windows, and definitely not moving. Just sitting. Just sitting on the bus, breathing the same stale B.O. perfumed air as everyone else, waiting for some grander force in the universe to decide it would be okay for us move.
That’s “Time”, by Pink Floyd, and it was without a doubt the theme song for the entire Rose Bowl trip, unless somebody wrote a song called “Rose Bowl? Can’t You Just Fuck Me In The Ass Instead?”
To quote Jimmy Eat World, “It just takes some time”, and I get that, I really do. I get that the Oregon Marching Band is big, and that there’s a lot of equipment to load and move around. I understand this information. But this is my third year in the band and the second road trip I’ve taken with them this year, and while in the past we’ve had to wait a while to leave our destinations, we’ve certainly never had to wait an entire hour every single time. That’s just ludicrous.
Speaking of ludicrous, Ludacris wrote a song called “Move Bitch.” That would also be a great theme song for the Rose Bowl.
Tune in tomorrow for Part 3!
Last year we went to the Holiday Bowl, which differed significantly from this trip both in that we took a bus instead of a plane and in that the trip was more fun and relaxing and less like that scene from Platoon. You know the scene I’m talking about. The one where nobody is enjoying themselves at any time. Here, let me help you out:
However, even though we spent 20 hours on buses going to and from San Diego, I’d venture that we probably spent more time on buses this year traveling back and forth across a much shorter distance.
Everything in Southern California is at least 45 minutes away from everything else, and that’s if you’re lucky. Maybe this is not the case for everyone – maybe it was just the case for us.
You see, we had been booked into a hotel in Manhattan Beach, near LAX. This had seemed nice at first because the name Manhattan Beach, California suggests a stiff drink and, more importantly, proximity to a beach. Once we arrived at the hotel, though, we realized that the name fell somewhere between a misnomer and an outright bald faced fucking lie, because the Manhattan Beach Marriot was a full five miles away from the nearest beach. Of course, I guess a lot of people probably wouldn’t stay in the Shitty Office Plaza and Strip Mall Marriot, so it behooves them to use a misleading name.
“But,” we thought, “That’s cool. This hotel may not be in a cool place, but it may be close to the other places we need to go during the trip.”
Nope!
We went to California to march in the Tournament of Roses parade and play at the 96th Citibank Rose Bowl, both of which take place in Pasadena. Now, of course, I wouldn’t want the athletic department to go making half-cocked assumptions before all the facts were in, but being as the parade and the game both took place in Pasadena, I would certainly assume that we would be spending a lot of time there. I would not book us into a hotel that is literally on the other side of the city.
To be fair, our rehearsal site was only nine miles away from the hotel. However, Google Maps was quick to point out that with traffic it can take 40 minutes to travel nine miles. And oh yes, dear readers, there was definitely traffic.
No, not like... Oh, fuck it.
But maybe they booked us into a hotel in Manhattan Beach because it was closer to Disneyland, where we were scheduled to perform on the first day.
Nope!
Disneyland is some 30 odd miles away from Manhattan Beach, a trip that can take well over an hour in traffic. And trust me, it did.
It’s not like I expect every single aspect of a bowl game to run smoothly or anything, but all I’m saying is that they could have booked us into a hotel on the Moon under constant siege by flaming nuclear alligators and it still would have been easier for us to make it to all of our destinations in a timely fashion.
You may remember how in the last update I mentioned that we spent a lot of time sitting on the bus waiting for it to move. We had all figured that maybe it was just some weird Oregon bus driver thing. Well, as it turns out, California bus drivers have as much potential for sadism as anyone else.
Every time we left any location on the bowl trip we spent at least one God damned mother fucking hour sitting on the bus, staring out the windows, and definitely not moving. Just sitting. Just sitting on the bus, breathing the same stale B.O. perfumed air as everyone else, waiting for some grander force in the universe to decide it would be okay for us move.
“Ticking away, the minutes that make up a dull day,
Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way!”
Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way!”
That’s “Time”, by Pink Floyd, and it was without a doubt the theme song for the entire Rose Bowl trip, unless somebody wrote a song called “Rose Bowl? Can’t You Just Fuck Me In The Ass Instead?”
To quote Jimmy Eat World, “It just takes some time”, and I get that, I really do. I get that the Oregon Marching Band is big, and that there’s a lot of equipment to load and move around. I understand this information. But this is my third year in the band and the second road trip I’ve taken with them this year, and while in the past we’ve had to wait a while to leave our destinations, we’ve certainly never had to wait an entire hour every single time. That’s just ludicrous.
Speaking of ludicrous, Ludacris wrote a song called “Move Bitch.” That would also be a great theme song for the Rose Bowl.
Tune in tomorrow for Part 3!