Letters To People — Thinking Comes Later

There comes a time in every man’s life when he is too busy studying for an exam to put the necessary thought into writing 1000 words on the same topic. On those days, he writes brief letters to people he’s encountered over the past few days, offering helpful advice or, in some cases, just saying hey.

Dear Unit 4,

What’s up? I’m in Unit 3, right next door to you. You know that wall you pound on, for whatever reason, at times that no human being should be awake and pounding on things? It’s actually my wall too.

I’ve grown quite fond of this wall. It, along with its three brothers, work tirelessly to keep the roof from falling on me. It’s always there when I need something to lean on. And, most importantly, it separates me from you and those undisciplined savages you call roommates, for which I am eternally grateful.

So it pains me to hear the abuse you constantly mete out against my wall – both because it keeps me awake at night and because it’s an awfully mean thing to do to my good friend, the wall. So please stop doing it, or at least do it between 10:00 AM and 5:00 PM on Tuesdays and Thursdays, when I won’t be around to hear it happening. Asshole.

This may seem bossy, but I pay good money for that wall and I believe I have some right to decide what happens to it. For example, I even have a poster hanging on it. It’s a reprint of a fake oil painting that shows humans and robots fighting with swords. No, don’t think about it too hard – you wouldn’t understand.

Holla back,

Truman Capps
Internet Celebrity

Dear England,

Hi there – it’s me, Truman. Cheerio, I guess, right? I’m the guy who applied for a visa because he was doing an internship in England, and then decided he didn’t want to do the internship and thus did not need a visa, and as a result asked for his $247 visa fee back.

It’s totally cool if you don’t remember me. I’m sure lots of people apply for visas to come visit you. You’re like the beautiful, cultured girl at the dance with really, really bad teeth.

Anyway, I was just a little dismayed to find out that my $247 visa fee was nonrefundable. You see, in America our economy isn’t doing quite as well as yours right now, and $247 is a lot of money – even if it’s actually my parents’ money. I’m sure that in England, $247 just grows on trees, but in my country, we believe in a hard day’s work (also, credit cards), and money is a little harder to come by.

All I did was go up to Portland and get my biometrics taken – a half hour long process. And, I mean, I would get it if the biometrics appointment had been really thorough – I had prepared for a cavity search, although I’d rather you don’t ask me exactly how I prepared – but all it was was some Asian guy gently taking me by the hand and fingerprinting me. Don’t get me wrong; his hands were soft and he was exceptionally gentle, but it didn’t really feel like $247 worth of biometrics.

So I guess what I’m saying is, I’d like that money back, because in America we believe in payment for services rendered, and right now I paid for a visa and possibly a cavity search and I haven’t got either one. Although, that being said, you’re definitely sticking a finger up my ass in the figurative sense, so… Thanks, I guess? It is the thought that counts, after all.

See you in April,

Truman Capps
Internet Celebrity

Dear Sarah Palin,

God, Mrs. Palin… Thanks so much for just being you. Don’t change a thing. Not a blessed thing. You might think that this is sarcasm, given the things I’ve said about you on here in the past, but you have no idea how serious I am right now.

A lot of people got all riled up when they found out that you’d written notes on your hand with a Sharpie in order to answer soft-pitch, preselected questions at an event populated entirely by your most fervent supporters, who had paid you more than most working families in America make in a year just to show up. I don’t understand it – I feel like those are the same people who are totally blown away when Charlie Sheen says something smutty on Two and a Half Men. I would expect nothing less from you, Mrs. Palin.

Sarah.

Your career has been nothing but a series of bad career moves. Remember how Chevy Chase’s big thing was falling down back in the Saturday Night Live days? That’s kind of what you do now – you fall all over yourself, time and time again, and your stock only rises. You sank McCain’s campaign thanks to your interview with Katie Couric, you crapped out on your state halfway through your term in office, and now, in the leadup to your inevitable candidacy in 2012, you’re aligning yourself with birthers and teabaggers, completely alienating the moderate Republicans and independents who do most of the electing in this country.

Please, please, please, don’t change a thing. I’m telling all my friends to pray that you win the nomination in 2012. Hell, bring on Glenn Beck as your running mate, just for good measure. I feel certain you’ll win a solid 25% of the vote – which I’m sure in your world is a landslide victory.

I like you just the way you are, Sarah Palin.

Love,

Truman Capps
Internet Celebrity.

Truman Capps hopes that if his British host family happens to read this, that they understand that the comments about bad teeth and work ethic were all satire. Y’know, like Faulty Towers and The Office and stuff.