Liveblogging the Oscars, 2010 — Thinking Comes Later

Red Carpet Prologue

I'll be the first to admit that the Oscars are an overly self congratulatory handjob to the film industry (which I love with every fiber of my being), but the Red Carpet show takes the cake.

5:12 - Steve Carell waved to the camera, and without even thinking about it I automatically waved back. He just seems so nice, y'know? Or maybe it's just that HD seems so realistic.

5:15 - Sarah Jessica Parker and Cameron Diaz both look horrible! God damn you HD for making hot women less hot!

5:18 - Whoopi Goldberg dressed as Cleopatra, the Mona Lisa, and the Statue of Liberty? And she's advertising... Diapers? Stop ruining the one good award show, Sister Act!

5:20 - I think those are the exact same accountants from last year.

5:21 - Steve Carell and Tina Fey sharing the same space. Make out. Make out. Make out. Tina Fey, incidentally, is looking way better than just about everybody else.

5:22 - Miley Cyrus looks really awkward on the Red Carpet. And what are you even doing at the Oscars, Miley Cyrus? This is a celebration of high quality acting and directing, not giving 13 year olds their first boner.

5:22 - Holy shit, it's The Dude in a tuxedo! Oh, wait, that's Jeff Bridges. "I'm all Gucci'd out!" He's definitely high.

5:24 - "So, Kate Winslet, you're just here for the party tonight, right?" "I'm actually here to present the award for Best Actress." BOOMTOWN. Suck it, Red Carpet interviewer!

5:26 - "So, Meryl Streep, what's your favorite thing about the Oscars?" "Getting inside." Clearly you forget, sir, that this is Meryl Streep, not the star of Twilight. She does not have time for your antics. She has to go win all awards, ever.

The Actual Ceremony

5:30 - What, we're starting with all the Actor and Actress nominees? Whatever happened to having the hosts tell jokes?

5:31 - Oh, nice of them to escort all the nominees to their seats.

5:32 - NPH. NPH!

5:33 - Thank you. Thank you Oscars, thank you Hollywood, thank you America. Thank you for making my life worthwhile.

5:40 - Katheryn Bigelow is quite a DILF, if you know what I mean.

5:41 - This "Oh look, there's-" routine is running a bit long, even if Steve Martin has got some real zingers.

5:44 - Hey Penelope Cruz. Lookin' good tonight, HD notwithstanding. Give me a call after the show.

5:45 - Yeah, Matt Damon in Invictus, OF COURSE Nelson Mandela wants his country to win the World Cup. Why would he want you to lose?

5:47 - Come on, Stanley Tucci, why do you look so uncomfortable after the scene where you try to rape and murder the girl? You did read the script, right? Did you think nobody would find out?

5:48 - Christoph Waltz just said Uber Bingo. On top of your well deserved Oscar, you have also won my heart.

5:50 - That speech about The Blind Side is exactly what I mean when I say "overly congratulatory handjob."

5:56 - If Steve Carell covered for Cameron Diaz with that joke on the fly, then good job, sir.

5:59 - Well, I shouldn't be surprised that Up won, but I was really pulling for The Fantastic Mr. Fox, if for no other reason than to give an award to a movie that isn't made in a computer. Pixar is the Meryl Streep of animated films.

6:00 - Hey Miley and Amanda, the prom called - it wants its dresses back.

6:03 - And the winners for Best Original Song are Truman Capps and Mike Whitman for "My Dick Don't Work."

6:04 - "I love you more than rainbows, baby." Now there's a man who loves his rainbows.

6:11 - Pretty huge savings at Bi-Mart. Two candy bars for 99 cents? I'd probably go with a Twix and a Payday. This bears further consideration - I'll get back to you later on this.

6:13 - Robert Downey Jr. and Tina Fey are doing a better job than the hosts.

6:14 - Read faster, Tina Fey!

6:15 - The Hurt Locker wins - good job. Let's keep this up, shall we?

6:19 - "THOSE AREN'T PILLOWS! AUUUGH!" Why didn't that movie win an Oscar?

6:22 - Wow, a lot of those John Hughes child actors didn't age so well. Except for Matthew Broderick, who looks like a teenager with grey hair, sort of like... Ooh, Samuel L. Jackson!

6:30 - I agree with what you said, John Lassiter - young filmmakers should just try to tell good, entertaining stories. Have you ever heard of a show called Writers?

6:35 - "Yo, Roger Williams, I'ma let you finish, but here's what I think you should be saying!"

6:38 - Thank you, Ben Stiller, for giving me nightmares. That said, far funnier than anything Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin did. "Don't worry, I brought a hairnet."

6:42 - Good job, Star Trek - this is really science fiction's year at the Oscars.

6:43 - Jeff Bridges will now introduce the newest Best Picture nominee, The Dude's Oscar Adventure.

6:50 - I can't say much about Best Adapted Screenplay, being as the only one of them I saw was District 9. Watching the Academy Awards when you haven't seen most of the movies is like watching the Super Bowl when you don't know any of the rules. Next year, even if I have to drop out of school, I'm going to see as many of the nominees as I can. Damn you, Academy, and your countless nominees.

6:53 - Hey, they gave Roger Corman an award! Now that's what I'm talking about! If nothing else, he at least deserves a year's free dinners at Qdoba for his impressive body of work.

7:00 - Wow, An Education looks good. Sure wish I'd seen it.

7:06 - Sigourney Weaver has aged so damn well. Can we get her a role on Cougartown?

7:09 - Keanu Reeves definitely didn't get the joke about clotheswhores. "Whaaaaaat?"

7:18 - Finally, Alec and Steve have a solid bit with some good chemistry! To borrow a phrase from the Internet, I loled.

7:19 - "Love to dare us/love to scare us?" God, why don't you go romance some whiny high schooler?

7:22 - Horror montage: Thank you for using a lot of scenes from The Shining and doing an Evil Dead shoutout. That said, I had to look away for the second half. Way to string together all the big shocks one after another.

7:23 - Can we have Morgan Freeman narrate the boring awards every year? This is way better.

7:28 - Sci-tech winners? NEEEEEEEEERD ALERT!

7:30 - Classy, Quentin. Just go on ahead and keep pumping your fist after the promo for your film. This is why they don't invite you more often.

7:35 - You're not going to show clips from each nominated film for Best Cinematography? Excuse me, but that's arguably the most important tech Oscar there is! It determines the look and tone of the movie, you assholes! No, no, let's just gloss it over so we can have a musical number from The Frog Prince and a tribute to 50 years of movies about cars.

7:41 - Hey, Quentin, they showed a shot from Kill Bill in the montage honoring recently deceased Academy members - are you going to pump your fist for that, too?

7:45 - So Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, huh ABC? I guess that means, in support of this bold attempt to fight obesity, that you'll stop showing ads for McDonald's and Snickers?

7:48 - Is he trying to interpretive dance an IED?

7:52 - And the award for Best Original Score goes to Michael Giacchino for Star Trek. Duh.

7:53 - That said, great speech, Mr. Giacchino. Just a really fucking good speech.

7:54 - Avatar won Best Visual Effects. In other totally obvious news, Chipotle Tabasco is the best Tabasco.

7:57 - I was really hoping that Will Arnett would appear and totally ruin Jason Bateman's presentation. "Oh, I guess I need a new flint... But where did the lighter fluid come from?"

8:05 - This just in: The Academy hates dolphins.

8:07 - Steve and Alec, why weren't you as funny during the opening as you are during the cutaway segments?

8:14 - Well well, Quentin, are you going to be an ass?

8:15 - Yes.

8:17 - "I would like to thank the Academy for not considering Na'vi a foreign language." Sick burn, brah.

8:20 - After the Avatar promo, James Cameron was just sort of sitting there nodding, as if to say, "Yep. I made this."

8:24 - Julianne Moore has Jessica Rabbit hair going on right now. Incidentally, I've seen her naked in multiple movies.

8:29 - Thank you, Tim Robbins, for totally blowing all the other speakers out of the water.

8:32 - The Dude abides.

8:35 - People are never going to stop calling you The Dude if you don't quit saying man, man.

8:38 - McDonald's, are you marketing to deaf Hispanics? God, you guys work all the angles.

8:46 - Yep, everybody's saying nice stuff about everybody else. Not much to blog about here.

8:48 - Congratulations, Sandra, but this doesn't make up for The Proposal and All About Steve.

8:53 - If Tarantino wins Best Director, he's going to make a real ass of himself. Just wait.

8:55 - Good job, Katheryn Bigelow. You directed a really good movie. Enjoy the hell out of that award.

8:58 - Best Picture. Make me proud.

8:58 - The Hurt Locker. And you did.

Truman Capps is glad that they gave the award to a movie he saw that wasn't Avatar.