The Dog Dies

R.I.P. Frank Frazetta, 1928-2010

Oh hello everyone! Welcome to the final installment of the groundbreaking three-part series "Jack Hijacks Truman's Blog And Runs It Into The Ground." This is my grand finale. My Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome. My Look Who's Talking Now. My Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. Actually, let's hope it's not like any of those.

In all honesty, it's been a lot harder writing this blog than previously anticipated. A lot of you could probably guess this, seeing as this is going up about 24 hours after Truman would normally post it. Don't worry, we'll have you back to your regularly scheduled programming in no time. Anyway, I was able to come up with the first two topics relatively quickly, while a third has thrown me for a loop. So, instead of actually creating vast spaces of text-based content, I'm going to post some pictures from the Internet* and comment on them hilariously. I'm just as excited as you are.

*Trans: Teh Internets

PICTURE #1

I think what's most remarkable about this picture is the source. This is supposedly a drawing of the Jersey Devil, a mythical creature that terrorizes people all over the great state of New Jersey. But it's not from some crazy kid's fever dream. This is from an episode of The X-Files, which prides itself in scientific accuracy when addressing the paranormal. Granted, this is supposed to have been drawn by a half-drunk homeless guy, but come on. It doesn't even look intimidating. It just looks like something you'd never let near children*. They do fine the Jersey Devil by the end of the episode, and the most disappointing thing is that it actually looks like this. Boo Chris Carter. Boo.

*Like Truman. Pow!

PICTURE #2

This little beauty is a screen capture of a Chinese bootleg copy of Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Not a great movie by any stretch of the imagination, and this is one of the worst scenes. Vader realizes the "love of his life" is dead, and he screams "Nooooo!" to the heavens like Kirk raging against Khan. But what really shines here is the firm grasp the Chinese people have on the American sense of humor. Their English translation takes a moment that would otherwise feel hammy and kicks it into Comedy Town, population us. I would much rather have wasted my time on a movie with this as the jumping-off point for the dialogue than any crap George Lucas could come up with*.

*"I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth."

PICTURE #3

I defy you to figure out what's going on here. It really boils down to three possible situations, all of which have nothing to do with each other.

Possibility 1: This guy is a sewing machine salesman shooting a commercial where he takes his machine to some sort of prom, and the people operating the green screen behind him used the wrong background image.

Possibility 2: Using the powers of his possessed sewing machine, this young Satanist caused a truck to crash in the ravine. Local law enforcement, all good Christian men, have no idea what's in store for them, which causes our antagonist to chuckle maniacally.

Possibility 3: Purgatory.

PICTURE #4

In this day and age, I have to admire things like truth in advertising. It's really refreshing.

PICTURE #5

Okay, I admit this wasn't an internet discovery. This is actually from the OMB's trip to Sea World during the Holiday Bowl 2008 trip. This is also one of the only documented times where Truman can be seen looking cooler than at least one other person in a photograph. I'm the joyous fellow on the left.

Jack Brazil has thoroughly enjoyed this opportunity to fill your heads with ridiculous nonsense. He also fully acknowledges now that last Wednesday's Justin Bieber picture was completely uncalled for.