Liveblogging The Emmys, 2010
4:57 - What the hell is Kim Kardashian doing at the Emmies? Her only contribution to television is being her slutty, voluptuous self in front of a camera.
4:58 - Wait, what? The commentators are already making snarky remarks about the worst hair and dresses of the red carpet before the red carpet show is over? Jesus, people, give it until at least 15 minutes after the show.
4:59 - Anna Paquin's dress - "This looks like something a matador in Spain would wear." Zouch.
5:00 - Glee appearance count: 1.
5:01 - Seriously? Fallon's doing a Glee themed opening? Why couldn't it be a Mad Men thing?
5:02 - Jon Hamm, asked and answered. Still, this would be better if everybody was drinking and smoking.
5:03 - Neil Patrick Harris! I suddenly approve.
5:04 - I can only imagine how funny this would be if I watched Glee. Oh, what up, Hurley!
5:05 - 'Okay Tina Fey, Jon Hamm, and assorted Glee-tards - just stand behind Jimmy Fallon and dance. That's all we need.'
5:06 - Every Glee joke needs to be matched with at least one cutaway of Neil Patrick Harris laughing in order to keep me satisfied.
5:07 - How much crack did Fallon have to do before this show to go from a song and dance number right into a guitar monologue? That requires Conan style energy.
5:08 - Oh, hi Amy Poehler's boobs. Are you pregnant, or... Yeah, probably pregnant.
5:11 - God damn it, Jon Hamm is like #4 on the list of people from Mad Men I'd like to bone, and I don't care who knows it.
5:12 - Well, shit. Eric Stonestreet is great on Modern Family, but Neil Patrick Harris is Neil Patrick Harris.
5:18 - Sofia Vergara is clearly taking boob tips from Amy Poehler. How long are you going to milk this, "I have an accent so I can't speak English" thing?
5:20 - Oh shit, Tina Fey's writing partner is a straight fox. Why isn't she on the show?
5:21 - Is this guy a TV writer? It's tough to tell - he's wearing a suit and appears to have bathed recently.
5:24 - What is Tom Hanks doing at the Emmys!? Can he just call them and say, "Hey! I want a seat at an award ceremony that I have no connection with. Can we do a thing? Forrest Gump, bitch."
5:25 - John Hodgman's commentary takes the sting off Glee winning things.
5:26 - Why the hell did they just play the song from Kill Bill before cutting to commercial? Nobody was trying to kill each other just then. I got all excited that Uma Thurman was a nominee for award, or there was some show about beautiful women with swords committing acts of hideous violence against one another.
5:28 - Big Oprah retrospective during the commercial break. Time lapse footage of Oprah is particularly interesting because you can always date the footage by her girth.
5:31 - Stop showing the Emmy control room. I don't want to see how my sausage is made.
5:33 - Neil Patrick Harris won for Glee. I both love and hate that.
5:34 - Oh God, Glee is like the all singing, all dancing, vaguely gay Lord Of The Rings of the Emmys.
5:36 - I wish I had 3D goggles just then.
5:37 - Eva Longoria? Hey, she looks as good as she did when I met her!
5:38 - Did I tell you guys about when I met her? It was really cool. I was on the Desperate Housewives... Oh, hey, I'm rooting for Baldwin.
5:39 - Huh, Big Bang Theory guy won. Anyway, I totally touched her finger.
5:41 - There's going to be a retrospective on reality TV? God damn it, if I hadn't started liveblogging this I could've walked the hell away. Sadly, I must stay true to both people reading this.
5:43 - The Infiniti M has silver dust polished into the interior? And that's a selling point? 'And the cupholder is designed to only hold The Holy Grail.'
5:44 - Haha, Neil Patrick Harris made a gay joke! That means straight guys can do it too, right?
5:45 - Are you going to give an award to Amy Poehler's boobs? They're working overtime tonight. Oh God, I'm saying a lot of creepy stuff about someone who's about to be somebody's mother.
5:47 - They actually give awards for reality TV? Do you give awards for bulkiness of bowel movements? Because if so, I think I'm a real contender this year.
5:48 - Smash cut from the dead Alaskan fisherman to Jersey Shore. Reaaaal classy, Emmys.
5:49 - Will Arnett probably shares my sentiments about Amy Poehler.
5:50 - How much does reality TV suck? John Hodgman doesn't even do announcements for the winners!
5:52 - Did anybody ever watch Peter Gunn? Lord knows we use the theme song all the time, but what the hell was the show about?
5:55 - 'Because of Ancestry.com, I discovered that my father was Josef Mengele. Thanks... Ancestry.com...'
5:59 - Emmys, if you spoil Mad Men for me with this fucking promo...
6:00 - Man, I miss the comedy guys. These presenters aren't nearly as funny.
6:02 - Yeah, Mad Men. You win those awards. You win all those awards.
6:05 - John Slattery spikes his hair? On Mad Men he gels his hair down, but in real life he gels it up. Fitting.
6:06 - Yeah, Avon commercials. Thanks for reminding me that the televised event I like is the one that women also like.
6:08 - 'Expo Markers - helping middle school janitors get high since 1981!'
6:10 - Fillion!
6:11 - Nathan Fillion giving Christina Hendricks the award for Best Supporting Actress would be an amazing Firefly reunion and also yet another opportunity for me to use this blog as a megaphone to broadcast to the world my love of Christina Hendricks.
6:13 - C'mon, Jon Hamm.
6:14 - This just in - Bryan Cranston loves his family more than baseball. To my family - I love you almost as much as Duck football.
6:17 - These new Tonka trucks - you just wind them up and they drive over the stunt track and do cool stuff all on their own. All I'm saying is, when I was a kid, you had to PLAY with your toys, not just wind them up and watch them play with themselves.
6:20 - If you'd get rid of the reality TV category, you'd probably have time to show people winning the guest actor/actress awards. Also, Robert Morse doesn't count as a guest actor when he's in like half the episodes.
6:26 - Cool, I hope that little musical number didn't spoil Lost for me.
6:31 - That guy in the Emmy band was playing the FUCK out of that cowbell.
6:32 - Patrick doesn't think Tina Fey is attractive. I think Patrick's totally gay.
6:35 - Is Coco nominated? I want Coco to win.
6:36 - The Emmys was already sort of gay, and then they brought Lady Gaga into the mix. God help us all.
6:38 - Joel McHale said 'Writers is good' and I just about shit my pants.
6:39 - What the hell are the Kennedy Center Honors? They always happen and I never know when they're on, or what they're about.
6:40 - The Emmys - the only award show to give an award for best award show to another award show. I may have said circle jerk on here in the past, but make no mistake - this is the end all, be all circle jerk.
6:46 - Gervais keeps showing up at our awards ceremonies. How come?
6:47 - Oh, wait, that's why - because he's fucking hilarious.
6:49 - BUCKY GUNTS, YEEEAH!
6:51 - Thanks for the human centipede joke, Colbert. I had ALMOST forgotten about that movie.
6:53 - Goddamn it, Stewart! Quit hogging the Emmys and give one to Conan.
6:55 - Why are they giving an award to George Clooney? He hasn't been on TV since like 1994. Which isn't to say that he doesn't deserve it. I have like four awards I want to give him. It's just, like, how is it relevant to TV?
6:58 - Is it just me, or are these commercials getting longer?
7:00 - No, Emmys, don't show pictures of charitable work and international tragedies. I can't humorously liveblog that! Man why you even got to do a thing?
7:01 - "My dear friend, Mr. George Clooney." Don't we all wish we could say that?
7:04 - Jack McBrayer is always Kenneth the Page. He never stops with that stupid, happy grin. God bless him.
7:07 - This is the longest I've ever seen January Jones go without smoking. Apparently it improves her ability to read lines.
7:10 - Jimmy Smits - Diet Edward James Olmos.
7:15 - Man, there are a LOT of miniseries I never watched.
7:17 - Okay, Temple Grandin, that's cool, so now- Who the hell is the skinny blonde chick with the guitar? No, stop singing - WHO ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHY DID YOU HIJACK OUR AWARDS CEREMONY?
7:18 - The creator of Gumby died? I guess my childhood died this year too.
7:19 - If I ever die, I don't want them to do a sad, melodramatic slow motion thing for my Emmy obituary. They can do that for everybody else, but then when I come onscreen the chick with the guitar shuts up and Slash comes out to play the end of November Rain while they play slow motion clips of me fighting aliens and teaching inner city gangbangers how to read.
7:22 - Oh hai BP commercial. It's very impressive how much you've done to try and repair the oil spill. Fun fact: If you hadn't spilled oil in the first place, you wouldn't have had to repair it.
7:25 - God, I need to take a shower. That has nothing to do with the Outstanding Writing for Movie/Miniseries category, but it is a fact.
7:28 - Return to Cranford looks six different kinds of boring as fuck.
7:31 - Why do they keep hyping the cast of True Blood? I cannot wait until The Walking Dead comes out and cures this country of its unfortunate vampire obsession.
7:34 - Thank you, Harry Connick Jr. - it IS time to get back to football.
7:37 - This must be pretty boring for Temple Grandin - she's publicly stated that she has no interest whatsoever in interpersonal human interactions, and here she is in a room full of people all patting each other on the back and talking about how much they love the people who helped them get where they are today.
7:40 - No, that's cool, Pacino, make a terrible speech. Clearly this is your first time winning an award. Oh, wait.
7:42 - All I gathered from the trailer for The Event is that it is a series about things happening that make people angry and/or scared.
7:46 - Oh, The Pacific. THAT'S why Tom Hanks is here. Well, God bless, I suppose.
7:49 - Wait, Temple Grandin just hugged that lady! I thought she didn't like touching people! Was this an amazing television moment that we just saw?
7:51 - FUCK yeah, Mad Men!
7:52 - Thanks, Christina Hendricks, for giving the Internet something to host images of.
7:56 - Modern Family represent! I wish I'd watched you more often so that I could claim to have liked Modern Family before it was cool.
Truman Capps is going to go take that shower now.
4:58 - Wait, what? The commentators are already making snarky remarks about the worst hair and dresses of the red carpet before the red carpet show is over? Jesus, people, give it until at least 15 minutes after the show.
4:59 - Anna Paquin's dress - "This looks like something a matador in Spain would wear." Zouch.
5:00 - Glee appearance count: 1.
5:01 - Seriously? Fallon's doing a Glee themed opening? Why couldn't it be a Mad Men thing?
5:02 - Jon Hamm, asked and answered. Still, this would be better if everybody was drinking and smoking.
5:03 - Neil Patrick Harris! I suddenly approve.
5:04 - I can only imagine how funny this would be if I watched Glee. Oh, what up, Hurley!
5:05 - 'Okay Tina Fey, Jon Hamm, and assorted Glee-tards - just stand behind Jimmy Fallon and dance. That's all we need.'
5:06 - Every Glee joke needs to be matched with at least one cutaway of Neil Patrick Harris laughing in order to keep me satisfied.
5:07 - How much crack did Fallon have to do before this show to go from a song and dance number right into a guitar monologue? That requires Conan style energy.
5:08 - Oh, hi Amy Poehler's boobs. Are you pregnant, or... Yeah, probably pregnant.
5:11 - God damn it, Jon Hamm is like #4 on the list of people from Mad Men I'd like to bone, and I don't care who knows it.
5:12 - Well, shit. Eric Stonestreet is great on Modern Family, but Neil Patrick Harris is Neil Patrick Harris.
5:18 - Sofia Vergara is clearly taking boob tips from Amy Poehler. How long are you going to milk this, "I have an accent so I can't speak English" thing?
5:20 - Oh shit, Tina Fey's writing partner is a straight fox. Why isn't she on the show?
5:21 - Is this guy a TV writer? It's tough to tell - he's wearing a suit and appears to have bathed recently.
5:24 - What is Tom Hanks doing at the Emmys!? Can he just call them and say, "Hey! I want a seat at an award ceremony that I have no connection with. Can we do a thing? Forrest Gump, bitch."
5:25 - John Hodgman's commentary takes the sting off Glee winning things.
5:26 - Why the hell did they just play the song from Kill Bill before cutting to commercial? Nobody was trying to kill each other just then. I got all excited that Uma Thurman was a nominee for award, or there was some show about beautiful women with swords committing acts of hideous violence against one another.
5:28 - Big Oprah retrospective during the commercial break. Time lapse footage of Oprah is particularly interesting because you can always date the footage by her girth.
5:31 - Stop showing the Emmy control room. I don't want to see how my sausage is made.
5:33 - Neil Patrick Harris won for Glee. I both love and hate that.
5:34 - Oh God, Glee is like the all singing, all dancing, vaguely gay Lord Of The Rings of the Emmys.
5:36 - I wish I had 3D goggles just then.
5:37 - Eva Longoria? Hey, she looks as good as she did when I met her!
5:38 - Did I tell you guys about when I met her? It was really cool. I was on the Desperate Housewives... Oh, hey, I'm rooting for Baldwin.
5:39 - Huh, Big Bang Theory guy won. Anyway, I totally touched her finger.
5:41 - There's going to be a retrospective on reality TV? God damn it, if I hadn't started liveblogging this I could've walked the hell away. Sadly, I must stay true to both people reading this.
5:43 - The Infiniti M has silver dust polished into the interior? And that's a selling point? 'And the cupholder is designed to only hold The Holy Grail.'
5:44 - Haha, Neil Patrick Harris made a gay joke! That means straight guys can do it too, right?
5:45 - Are you going to give an award to Amy Poehler's boobs? They're working overtime tonight. Oh God, I'm saying a lot of creepy stuff about someone who's about to be somebody's mother.
5:47 - They actually give awards for reality TV? Do you give awards for bulkiness of bowel movements? Because if so, I think I'm a real contender this year.
5:48 - Smash cut from the dead Alaskan fisherman to Jersey Shore. Reaaaal classy, Emmys.
5:49 - Will Arnett probably shares my sentiments about Amy Poehler.
5:50 - How much does reality TV suck? John Hodgman doesn't even do announcements for the winners!
5:52 - Did anybody ever watch Peter Gunn? Lord knows we use the theme song all the time, but what the hell was the show about?
5:55 - 'Because of Ancestry.com, I discovered that my father was Josef Mengele. Thanks... Ancestry.com...'
5:59 - Emmys, if you spoil Mad Men for me with this fucking promo...
6:00 - Man, I miss the comedy guys. These presenters aren't nearly as funny.
6:02 - Yeah, Mad Men. You win those awards. You win all those awards.
6:05 - John Slattery spikes his hair? On Mad Men he gels his hair down, but in real life he gels it up. Fitting.
6:06 - Yeah, Avon commercials. Thanks for reminding me that the televised event I like is the one that women also like.
6:08 - 'Expo Markers - helping middle school janitors get high since 1981!'
6:10 - Fillion!
6:11 - Nathan Fillion giving Christina Hendricks the award for Best Supporting Actress would be an amazing Firefly reunion and also yet another opportunity for me to use this blog as a megaphone to broadcast to the world my love of Christina Hendricks.
6:13 - C'mon, Jon Hamm.
6:14 - This just in - Bryan Cranston loves his family more than baseball. To my family - I love you almost as much as Duck football.
6:17 - These new Tonka trucks - you just wind them up and they drive over the stunt track and do cool stuff all on their own. All I'm saying is, when I was a kid, you had to PLAY with your toys, not just wind them up and watch them play with themselves.
6:20 - If you'd get rid of the reality TV category, you'd probably have time to show people winning the guest actor/actress awards. Also, Robert Morse doesn't count as a guest actor when he's in like half the episodes.
6:26 - Cool, I hope that little musical number didn't spoil Lost for me.
6:31 - That guy in the Emmy band was playing the FUCK out of that cowbell.
6:32 - Patrick doesn't think Tina Fey is attractive. I think Patrick's totally gay.
6:35 - Is Coco nominated? I want Coco to win.
6:36 - The Emmys was already sort of gay, and then they brought Lady Gaga into the mix. God help us all.
6:38 - Joel McHale said 'Writers is good' and I just about shit my pants.
6:39 - What the hell are the Kennedy Center Honors? They always happen and I never know when they're on, or what they're about.
6:40 - The Emmys - the only award show to give an award for best award show to another award show. I may have said circle jerk on here in the past, but make no mistake - this is the end all, be all circle jerk.
6:46 - Gervais keeps showing up at our awards ceremonies. How come?
6:47 - Oh, wait, that's why - because he's fucking hilarious.
6:49 - BUCKY GUNTS, YEEEAH!
6:51 - Thanks for the human centipede joke, Colbert. I had ALMOST forgotten about that movie.
6:53 - Goddamn it, Stewart! Quit hogging the Emmys and give one to Conan.
6:55 - Why are they giving an award to George Clooney? He hasn't been on TV since like 1994. Which isn't to say that he doesn't deserve it. I have like four awards I want to give him. It's just, like, how is it relevant to TV?
6:58 - Is it just me, or are these commercials getting longer?
7:00 - No, Emmys, don't show pictures of charitable work and international tragedies. I can't humorously liveblog that! Man why you even got to do a thing?
7:01 - "My dear friend, Mr. George Clooney." Don't we all wish we could say that?
7:04 - Jack McBrayer is always Kenneth the Page. He never stops with that stupid, happy grin. God bless him.
7:07 - This is the longest I've ever seen January Jones go without smoking. Apparently it improves her ability to read lines.
7:10 - Jimmy Smits - Diet Edward James Olmos.
7:15 - Man, there are a LOT of miniseries I never watched.
7:17 - Okay, Temple Grandin, that's cool, so now- Who the hell is the skinny blonde chick with the guitar? No, stop singing - WHO ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHY DID YOU HIJACK OUR AWARDS CEREMONY?
7:18 - The creator of Gumby died? I guess my childhood died this year too.
7:19 - If I ever die, I don't want them to do a sad, melodramatic slow motion thing for my Emmy obituary. They can do that for everybody else, but then when I come onscreen the chick with the guitar shuts up and Slash comes out to play the end of November Rain while they play slow motion clips of me fighting aliens and teaching inner city gangbangers how to read.
7:22 - Oh hai BP commercial. It's very impressive how much you've done to try and repair the oil spill. Fun fact: If you hadn't spilled oil in the first place, you wouldn't have had to repair it.
7:25 - God, I need to take a shower. That has nothing to do with the Outstanding Writing for Movie/Miniseries category, but it is a fact.
7:28 - Return to Cranford looks six different kinds of boring as fuck.
7:31 - Why do they keep hyping the cast of True Blood? I cannot wait until The Walking Dead comes out and cures this country of its unfortunate vampire obsession.
7:34 - Thank you, Harry Connick Jr. - it IS time to get back to football.
7:37 - This must be pretty boring for Temple Grandin - she's publicly stated that she has no interest whatsoever in interpersonal human interactions, and here she is in a room full of people all patting each other on the back and talking about how much they love the people who helped them get where they are today.
7:40 - No, that's cool, Pacino, make a terrible speech. Clearly this is your first time winning an award. Oh, wait.
7:42 - All I gathered from the trailer for The Event is that it is a series about things happening that make people angry and/or scared.
7:46 - Oh, The Pacific. THAT'S why Tom Hanks is here. Well, God bless, I suppose.
7:49 - Wait, Temple Grandin just hugged that lady! I thought she didn't like touching people! Was this an amazing television moment that we just saw?
7:51 - FUCK yeah, Mad Men!
7:52 - Thanks, Christina Hendricks, for giving the Internet something to host images of.
7:56 - Modern Family represent! I wish I'd watched you more often so that I could claim to have liked Modern Family before it was cool.
Truman Capps is going to go take that shower now.