50 Shades Of White

Above: A white person.

1)   I’m from Oregon.

2)   I drive a Subaru station wagon.  

3)   When I was 16 and my grandmother asked me what my dream car was, my immediate response was, “Whatever has the best gas mileage.” 

4)   In high school, I was elected student treasurer of the band program. 

5)   I put this on my resume for years afterward. 

6)   I have consumed at least a dozen cans of peach flavored Fresca in my life. 

7)   I keep two bags of trail mix in the center console of The Mystery Wagon at all times, just in case the car breaks down and I need a snack while I wait for the tow truck. 

8)   I bought a pair of Ray Ban Wayfarers. When they were stolen, I bought a pair of $10 knockoff Wayfarers at Venice Beach. For Christmas, my parents got me a replacement pair of Ray Ban Wayfarers. I will only allow my eyes to be shaded by vaguely square-shaped lenses. 

9)   Not only do I wear a helmet when I ride my bike, but I also signal all my turns with my left arm – straight out to my side for left turns, cocked 90 degrees upward at the elbow for right turns. (I seem to be the only person in Los Angeles who does this, so I imagine drivers think I’m either trying to gain lift and take off or do a really clumsy sig heil.) 

10) I sometimes eat Clif bars for breakfast. 

11) Whenever I talk about how much I love Ghostbusters, I feel obligated to mention what a shame it is that Winston never gets to do anything, just so I don’t seem racist. 

12) I once saw Chicago live in concert. 

13) When in a situation where I’m being forced to dance, my go-to move is to put my hands in my pockets and sway awkwardly back and forth while looking for an escape route and trying desperately to think of an excuse to leave. 

14)  In college, I once got sent out to the store to pick up some soda to use as a mixer. Indignant at being the soda bitch, I found a 24 pack of Tab and brought it back out of spite. I tried a can out of curiosity and then drank Tab quite regularly for the next several months. 

15)  I always use my turn signal. 

16)  Back when I was trying to swim for exercise, I bought a waterproof shirt because it was an outdoor pool and I was scared I’d get skin cancer spending that much time in the sun.

17)  It pisses me off when people refer to themselves as ‘McGuyvering’ something, because any idiot knows that his name was spelled ‘MacGyver’. 

18)  I watched MacGyver regularly.

19)  In elementary school I was an avid Frasier fan even though I usually didn’t understand what was going on – I just liked the way everyone talked. 

20)  I own a pair of cargo shorts. 

21)  I wear slippers around my apartment, and I take them with me whenever I go somewhere for more than 24 hours.  

22)  The custodian at our office is a black guy who shows up around 6:00 every day – so at 5:45 I start trying to think of stuff for us to banter about when he shows up so I don’t seem awkward and silent and come off as racist. 

23)   I eat HealthyChoice frozen dinners because they’ve got less sodium than the competition. 

24)  When someone offers me a dessert, my immediate response is always, “Oh, God, I shouldn’t.” 

25)  After saying, “Oh, God, I shouldn’t,” I invariably go ahead and eat whatever they were offering me. 

26)  Whenever someone asks if they can have some of my fries, my immediate response is always, “By all means! Save me from myself.” 

27)  I admire Snoop Dogg’s freewheeling, devil-may-care attitude, but I don’t listen to any of his music. 

28)  People have assumed I was Jewish for months at a time. 

29)   Hair. 

30)   Whenever someone refers to the Ewoks attacking the Stormtroopers on Endor, I always point out that that battle actually took place on Endor’s forest moon. 

31)  I wore a silver Timex wristwatch all through college. 

32)  Whenever I see that somebody has gum, I always immediately ask if I can have some. 

33)  Whenever I throw away a junk mail credit card offer or an old bank statement I always meticulously tear it up into dozens of small pieces and throw it out in two separate garbage cans, which I empty at different times, because identity thieves are desperate to get their hands on my information. 

34)  I never hit the back of the ketchup bottle, but instead tap on the neck, because when I was a kid somebody told me one time that that was a more effective way to get the ketchup to come out and I immediately convinced myself it was true. 

35)  I cry at the end of Terminator 2. 

36)  I saw Baby Mama in theaters. 

37)  When I was a senior in high school, I went to an informational interview with a professor at the University of Oregon wearing a polo shirt tucked into a pair of khaki slacks with brown loafers and argyle socks. 

38)  I like Steely Dan. 

39)  I dated a vegan for seven months and frequently said things like, “I don’t know why Obama hasn’t cracked down on factory farming,” or “These vegan cupcakes are delicious!” in order to get laid. 

40)  I own a pair of padded, fingerless bicycle gloves. 

41)  When someone asks me if I’ve heard of a rapper I always say, “Yeah, I think so,” and I’m always lying, because I’ve never heard of any rappers. 

42)  When it rains, I’m the first one to say, “Hey, look on the bright side – it’s like a free car wash!” 

43)   I read The New Yorker, and I leave them conspicuously lying around my apartment so visitors will know that I read The New Yorker. 

44)  I get irritable if I’m without Internet access for more than 45 seconds. 

45)  I’m on Reddit. 

46)  If I swear and then notice that a child is anywhere nearby, I immediately want to apologize profusely and start a college fund for him. 

47)  I dedicate a significant portion of my day to feeling guilty about not reading more. Never has it occurred to me to use this time to read. 

48)  On more than one occasion I have gone to the grocery store specifically to buy a wedge of brie to eat all by myself. 

49)  I laugh at Aflac commercials. Especially this one. 

50)  I have a blog.