Dumping Trump

IT LOOKS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING LIKE MY HAIR SO SHUT UP ABOUT IT. 

I think it’s absolutely disgusting that a major department store would use a celebrity with such a controversial lifestyle just to shill products and make money. I mean, what happened to responsibility or ethics in the American business community? Whatever this partnership might do to generate ‘buzz’ or drive sales, it’s hazardous to our nation’s moral health. Enough is enough – let’s boycott JC Penny until they quit using Ellen DeGeneres as their spokesperson.

Wait, what? Oh, sorry, my B – I got the right set of talking points and approximate flavor of butthurt, but the wrong side of the political spectrum.

In case you missed it, Donald Trump has been a full bore high-octane piece of shit for the past 20 years or so without so much as a coffee break. Over the past few years he’s supported virtually every conspiracy theory du jour regarding President Obama’s motivations and heritage to the point that the only thing separating him from a guy pushing a shopping cart and screaming obscenities at traffic is a business suit and approximately three billion dollars. (Honestly, the only reason he hasn’t made a tinfoil hat yet is because he doesn’t want to mess up his hair.)

Trump’s bullshit reached a dizzying height on Election Night, when he took to Twitter to make a variety of allegations about voter fraud, lament the death of America, and encourage another civil war in order to protect us from the tyranny of food stamps, healthcare, and government assistance for poor people.

Much like one of the poor people he hates so much, Donald Trump actually works two jobs – in addition to being a full time crazy person, he’s also a television personality with his own brand. Recently, he’s partnered with Macy’s to sell his Donald J. Trump collection of overpriced dress shirts,ties, jewelry, and cologne – but strangely, no toupees or Trump-branded .45 hollowpoint rounds to stockpile in anticipation of the coming Trump-branded civil war.

In the wake of his crazy Election Night tweets, though, a large coalition of liberal and progressive consumers have started earnestly signing petitions – the largest of which has over half a million signatures – demanding that Macy’s drop Trump as a business partner because of his comments. So far, Macy’s has refused, and now the Huffington Post and Reddit’s politics section are abuzz with talk of a boycott.

Don’t get me wrong – I hate Donald Trump. He’s got all the politics of every geriatric Medicare-hating Medicare-receiving Tea Partier, plus money, plus attention whenever he wants it, plus a hairstyle which has been unfavorably compared to mine.*

*For the last time: Donald Trump has a combover. He’s grown out hair on the sides of his head and swept it over dramatically to conceal a bald spot. I have a wave. It could not be more different. Now stop telling me I have Donald Trump hair.**

**And while we’re at it, stop telling me I have Justin Bieber hair. Even if there are some similarities from time to time, I’m older than Justin Bieber. If anything, Justin Bieber has Truman Capps hair.

But just because Donald Trump is a shitty guy who uses his platform as a reality TV show host to say terrible, stupid things doesn’t mean that Macy’s should be guilt-tripped into firing him, any moreso than JC Penny should be guilt-tripped into firing Ellen DeGeneres because she’s a lesbian.

You could argue that the two situations are different – Ellen DeGeneres was born a lesbian and can’t do anything to change it, while Donald Trump tries very hard every day to be the biggest and loudest asshole on Earth, and for that malicious intent he supposedly should be fired.

The thing is, even though Trump chose to be horrible and Ellen didn’t choose to be gay, both Macy’s and JC Penny chose to go into business with them. And I’m pretty sure these two national department store chains didn’t make those decisions lightly. It’s not like JC Penny signed a contract with Ellen and only found out she was gay when they saw it on Drudge Report later. I’m sure somebody at Macy’s has watched The Apprentice.

Macy’s went into business with Donald Trump precisely because he’s a controversial figure. Whether people love him or hate him for his post-election tweets, they’re talking about him – and, by extension, they’re talking about Macy’s four days before Black Friday. Even if half a million people boycott Macy’s (they so won’t), the free publicity will still be great for them. It’s not a political statement, it’s just business.

Macy’s is capitalizing on Trump’s propensity for controversial statements to make money, yes. That would be morally questionable until you remember that the only reason Macy’s is there is to make money – and that JC Penny made a similarly shrewd business decision with Ellen DeGeneres. 

There’s a groundswell of support for the LGBT community, so JC Penny picked a popular gay TV personality to be their spokesperson – not necessarily because it was the right thing to do, but because they ran the numbers and knew it would make them money as the majority of Americans finally start to appreciate lesbians as more than just stock porno characters.

If Macy’s partnered with the Aryan Nation, that would be worth boycotting. If Macy’s partnered with Joseph Kony, you could boycott that with my blessing. Hell, if Macy’s partnered with Chris Brown I’d boycott the fuck out of it.

But Donald Trump isn’t hurting anyone. He’s not inciting violence. He’s just a gasbag who’s famous for being a gasbag, and if you’re looking for somebody to draw attention to your company and give you free publicity you really couldn’t do much better than him.

Besides, the Donald J. Trump brand provides a valuable service to America by giving Donald Trump fans the opportunity to dress and even smell like Donald Trump so that the rest of us can quickly identify them for social isolation and subsequent mockery.

Truman Capps totally put Chris Brown in the same analogy as Joseph Kony and the Aryan Nation.