Treatises on Mammaries and Movies
This post was first made on December 5th, 2007, on Facebook.
Evelyn Rasputin McGee's tears cure cancer... Too bad he never cries.
Let’s just take a little test.
1) Have you ever personally met somebody named Sandee, Candi, or Trixye?
2) Have you ever seen a video involving somebody named Sandee, Candi, or Trixye?
Yeah, I thought so, pervert.
I read some study in one of my classes awhile back that said that with each new generation, more and more boys’ names become appropriated to girls’ use (Sam, Alex, and Drew are apparently in transition at the moment), leaving fewer and fewer names for boys in general* and meaning that it’s possible that some men who grew up with manly names will, in their old age, be forced to live the same name as thousands of teenaged girls. This doesn’t particularly bother me, seeing as on Facebook right now there are 42 people named Truman out of 55 million users, only one of whom is a girl. Regardless, the trend seems to be that more and more names are getting feminized. Why?
*Did you know that in the 19th century, Evelyn was a common name for boys? Of course, I haven’t read any history detailing the heroic exploits of Evelyn Rasputin McGee, so I assume that most boys named Evelyn died of Dynamite Wedgies (the Victorian era’s equivalent of our Atomic Wedgie) before reaching prime Heroic Exploit age.
It’s because every day, the porn industry finds a way to smutify a few more names that had once been wholesome, and parents are so desperate not to inadvertently name their daughter after a pornstar that they’ll name her after a guy instead. There was a time when a girl could be named Sandy or Trixie and not be associated with lesbian road trips or unexpected late night sexy pizza delivery. Not Candy/i, though – that name has always been whorish and always will be. That said, I’m sure that one of my readers has a great grandmother named Candi who was the first female firefighter in Delaware or something wonderful like that, so just take this as my advance apology.
I mention this because of a front page feature on YouTube called Videos Being Watched Right Now…, where every ten seconds five new randomly selected videos that someone on the website is watching are displayed. There are three genres of video on YouTube that always get represented in this sampling: Family Guy, Naruto, and Boobs. Now, I don’t watch Family Guy and as you may remember from a much older blog I heartily disapprove of Naruto, but boobs are still A-OK in my book. So it was that, plus curiosity, that drove me to click on the image in the Videos Being Watched Right Now section that showed a well proportioned brunette wearing far too much makeup and holding a copy of Meet the Robinsons. The video was labeled MOVIE REVIEW.
It is the work of a genius. Sandee (I’m not going to give her last name or link to the video, because she’s got enough attention already and if you’re really desperate to watch this you probably know everything you need to about finding smut on YouTube) sits in front of the camera for a minute and a half wearing a “shirt” (40% cloth, 60% air) of sorts and giving an extremely soft pitch review of a Disney children’s movie while frequently throwing her shoulders back, shifting her weight, shrugging, or breathing deeply. She’s done a whole series of these. Her Live Free or Die Hard review has over 1.2 million hits, and it’s been online for a week. 1.2 million! That’s nearly three times the population of the state of Wyoming! All that for a video less than two minutes long that doesn’t even have treadmill dancing or Stephen Colbert in it!
This is why the Internet is so great: if you have implants, a webcam, and a copy of Meet the Robinsons, your video can get more viewers than there are people in Vatican City, San Marino, Luxembourg, Liechtenstein, Monaco, and Grenada combined. Expect some serious changes to my blog for next week.
Truman Capps didn’t order a pizza, but so long as it’s here and looking so juicy, he just might try it…
Evelyn Rasputin McGee's tears cure cancer... Too bad he never cries.
Let’s just take a little test.
1) Have you ever personally met somebody named Sandee, Candi, or Trixye?
2) Have you ever seen a video involving somebody named Sandee, Candi, or Trixye?
Yeah, I thought so, pervert.
I read some study in one of my classes awhile back that said that with each new generation, more and more boys’ names become appropriated to girls’ use (Sam, Alex, and Drew are apparently in transition at the moment), leaving fewer and fewer names for boys in general* and meaning that it’s possible that some men who grew up with manly names will, in their old age, be forced to live the same name as thousands of teenaged girls. This doesn’t particularly bother me, seeing as on Facebook right now there are 42 people named Truman out of 55 million users, only one of whom is a girl. Regardless, the trend seems to be that more and more names are getting feminized. Why?
*Did you know that in the 19th century, Evelyn was a common name for boys? Of course, I haven’t read any history detailing the heroic exploits of Evelyn Rasputin McGee, so I assume that most boys named Evelyn died of Dynamite Wedgies (the Victorian era’s equivalent of our Atomic Wedgie) before reaching prime Heroic Exploit age.
It’s because every day, the porn industry finds a way to smutify a few more names that had once been wholesome, and parents are so desperate not to inadvertently name their daughter after a pornstar that they’ll name her after a guy instead. There was a time when a girl could be named Sandy or Trixie and not be associated with lesbian road trips or unexpected late night sexy pizza delivery. Not Candy/i, though – that name has always been whorish and always will be. That said, I’m sure that one of my readers has a great grandmother named Candi who was the first female firefighter in Delaware or something wonderful like that, so just take this as my advance apology.
I mention this because of a front page feature on YouTube called Videos Being Watched Right Now…, where every ten seconds five new randomly selected videos that someone on the website is watching are displayed. There are three genres of video on YouTube that always get represented in this sampling: Family Guy, Naruto, and Boobs. Now, I don’t watch Family Guy and as you may remember from a much older blog I heartily disapprove of Naruto, but boobs are still A-OK in my book. So it was that, plus curiosity, that drove me to click on the image in the Videos Being Watched Right Now section that showed a well proportioned brunette wearing far too much makeup and holding a copy of Meet the Robinsons. The video was labeled MOVIE REVIEW.
It is the work of a genius. Sandee (I’m not going to give her last name or link to the video, because she’s got enough attention already and if you’re really desperate to watch this you probably know everything you need to about finding smut on YouTube) sits in front of the camera for a minute and a half wearing a “shirt” (40% cloth, 60% air) of sorts and giving an extremely soft pitch review of a Disney children’s movie while frequently throwing her shoulders back, shifting her weight, shrugging, or breathing deeply. She’s done a whole series of these. Her Live Free or Die Hard review has over 1.2 million hits, and it’s been online for a week. 1.2 million! That’s nearly three times the population of the state of Wyoming! All that for a video less than two minutes long that doesn’t even have treadmill dancing or Stephen Colbert in it!
This is why the Internet is so great: if you have implants, a webcam, and a copy of Meet the Robinsons, your video can get more viewers than there are people in Vatican City, San Marino, Luxembourg, Liechtenstein, Monaco, and Grenada combined. Expect some serious changes to my blog for next week.
Truman Capps didn’t order a pizza, but so long as it’s here and looking so juicy, he just might try it…