Animals That Deserve Your Respect

My tears cure cancer - too bad the only thing that comes out of my eyes is blood!

There are a lot of very awesome animals on Earth, however, they seldom get credit because by the virtue of their extremeness they’re not particularly cute or cuddly. The Texas Horned Lizard is one of the few awesome things to be in some way tied to Texas (see also: Texas Toast). In most respects, the Texas Horned Lizard is just an ordinary looking scaly animal, but as soon as you try to attack it, you will find that you’re up against the Chuck Norris of the animal kingdom. The Texas Horned Lizard will, in self defense, shoot jets of its own blood out of its eyes at its attacker. Did you hear that? Did you hear what I just said? It uses its own blood as a weapon, and it doesn’t even have AIDS*! Honestly, I don’t even think that’s a great attack from a purely logistical standpoint – unless the attacking coyote is particularly squeamish, getting a facefull of blood is about the same as getting a facefull of thick Kool-Aid, but it’s the sheer awesome factor that I think would make this effective. If I was a predator and I got squirted in the face with a lizard’s blood from its eyes, I’d give up out of sheer awe and respect. Any animal that’s willing to shoot its own blood at an attacker has earned its right to not be food.

*I mean, I hope not, because if it did, it meant that somebody with AIDS had sex with a Texas Horned Lizard, which as I’ve said are far from the most attractive or friendly of creatures. I suppose maybe a masochist would be up for it, or somebody with a blood-shooting-from-eyes fetish, but even then you’d have to catch the damn thing, and then there’s proportions, and I just don’t really want to think about it. Of course, maybe the lizard would have just shared needles with somebody who was HIV positive, but the thought of a Texas Blood Lizard tripping on heroin with nothing to lose is actually scaring the crap out of me right now…

God, out the eyes, too! It could have been anywhere – the nose, the pores, the butt, even – but it’s the eyes. That’s evidence of intelligent design right there. I wonder if the lizard can see while he shoots…

Another animal that deserves our respect is Michigan the Cow. I don’t have a whole lot of respect for cows in general, perhaps because of my lactose intolerance or perhaps because they remind me of people in airports, but Michigan deserves mention because of her incredible luck. Michigan is a cow with a spot on her side that’s shaped like the mitten part of the state of Michigan. That in and of itself is a pretty big deal, but here’s the kicker – she lives on a farm in Spaulding Township, Michigan, and because of her unique markings she’s been spared the slaughterhouse in favor of promotional deals. What are the odds!? If this cow had been born in, say, Nebraska, she would have been a passing curiosity before taking a one way stroll down Stabby Lane, and had she been born in Ohio she probably would’ve been killed sooner!

I give you these examples of animal role models because of a popular group on Facebook right now called ‘Fuck College, I Want To Be A Panda’. Pandas are fat, lazy animals that practically never have sex. You want to live your life like a furry, black and white Truman Capps? You go right ahead, brother, and see how you like it. Only in America would people resent a world-class education so much that they’d wish to be an endangered species. You know what I’d rather be than a college student? Tina Fey’s husband. I said good day.

If Truman Capps' insensitive comments about an endangered species have made you angry, he wants you to know that he might have a birthmark in the shape of Oregon, therefore entitling him to do whatever the hell he pleases.