Forget About It Jake, It's China

From time to time, I’ve been accused of what one Internet pioneer once referred to as Hot Spicy Racism™, and in order to clear this issue up before it even starts, I’d like to point out that this blog is not an indictment of a race, but instead their hilariously negligent government. Also, I think Asian chicks are hot, so, I mean, that’s not racist.

Made in China, along with the Hasbro Ice-Nine Starter's Kit.

You know, you’d think that after the first time you make a serious product contamination boo-boo, or, well, the second time, but definitely by the third time, that you’d kind of have the hang of not inadvertently poisoning thousands of people. You’d think that after the government executes the head of your product inspection agency for his negligence and the CEO of one of the guilty companies hangs himself that maybe, just freaking maybe, you’d stop manufacturing products that double as booby traps. However, it seems that this is not the case, because this is China we’re dealing with, and now that they’ve fulfilled every 1980s parent’s worst Halloween nightmare by putting razor blades in lollipops, they have officially stolen the title of “Most Incompetent Country On Earth” from the United States.

Come on, China. I mean, really, it was cute the first time when you killed a whole bunch of dogs, and the second time with the lead paint endangering the lives of our nation’s children was good for a chuckle, but by the time we had the toothpaste thing it was getting on everyone’s nerves and at this point you’re heading straight for a spanking. I mean, really? A razor blade in a lollipop? How- How did you even do that? Were you trying? I think you were trying. I can’t see that being an accident, China – why would you have razor blades lying around in your candy factory? What were you going to do with them? Can you not make candy if you have a beard? Because, I mean, that’s really the only reason I can see for having razor blades in your candy factory. The only other option is that somebody went out, found a couple of razor blades, brought them to the candy factory, and threw them into the candy making machines. Which one do you want to admit to, China? Blatant stupidity or child-hating malice? I asked you a question, China, and so help me God, you’d better answer. We don’t have to go to Disneyland – I’ll turn this blog around. I am so not kidding. I’ll count to three.

It isn’t just us, though. The Chinese sometimes burn themselves, too. Recently, an investigation revealed that a company in Southern China was turning used condoms into hair ties that were being sold en masse at low prices in markets all over the country. Everyone was shocked to find out that they’d been wearing used condoms all this time, and I’d like to point out that only last weekend the University held a “Condom Fashion Show” in which students paraded around wearing unused condoms in another LOL IRONY type of affair. On one hand, I have to say I respect the ingenuity of the Chinese condom converters, because if you’d asked me what piece of garbage to make hair ties out of I would definitely not have thought of used condoms, perhaps more out of good taste than any other reason. On the other hand, I’m completely disgusted, as I hope you are too. Used condoms? I get that you want to cut costs by any means possible, but used condoms? There’s cutting corners, and then there’s scavenging through dumpsters for latex covered in strangers’ semen and vaginal fluid, and that second one is a surefire indicator that you’re far too greedy for your own good. Honestly, the only reason I can see for making hair ties out of used condoms is just spite for everyone with long hair. Methinks the mastermind behind this scheme was bald.

A few years ago, when we spontaneously realized that there were literally hundreds more Chinese people than Americans, there was a lot of talk about a possible war with a country whose military had more soldiers than Canada had citizens, and how screwed we’d all be if we pissed them off, and how soon we wouldn’t be living in the most powerful country on Earth anymore because the Chinese had ninjas and would be running the show before you could say Jack Robinson. However, in light of recent events, I think we need to reevaulate that position. We need to be more scared, because the Chinese have proven themselves incapable of making any product that does not in some way harm Americans. If this is what their candy does, I’d hate to see what their guns are like!

Truman Capps urges the United States not to get too cocky about now being the #2 most incompetent country on Earth - even though China is a communist pseudo-police state with no regard for the environment, the United States is a capitalist pseudo-police state with no regard for the environment with George Bush as president. He's sure the USA will earn the title back.